Some brutal honesty

I am going to do something out of character and just be totally honest. I’m not normally. Even in this beautifully anonymous space. I’m not even honest with myself most of the time. It isn’t that I lie to you or anyone else for the most part. I just hold back. I guess that is…

Therapy today: The draw of what’s forbidden

In the past few weeks I’ve been trying to make some time to prepare for therapy. Otherwise I’m on the go until I’m walking to J’s house and then I’m often too distracted to think about what I want to say. There are probably hundreds of things during the week that prompt me to think,…

Don’t stand there in the flames

A distant voice tells you, with kindness Don’t stand there in the flames You hear the warning and with coals around your feet You remain perfectly still Who can see the strength you summon, straining with every sinew merely to survive Who can understand the crushing disappointment that greets you every day Because despite a…

Disowned

For lonely decades I wandered unknowing and not asking Mercy in uncertainty, a refuge from the facts that threatened all I loved. Holding bitter secrets grew shame from shame until wilfully I forgot. Those lies were a poison that pulsed, insidious through my heart and veins And still, as they made me sick I inhaled…

It was never mine

Your words are transparent, in ordered lines they run with a simple message. But still I peer into their depths to find it there. Alone. The spark of your anguish. Although it stings through my thin tears, I have to watch it flicker and against my instinct leave it there, undisturbed. Because the cold truth…

I will never be ready

When I awoke today there were long shadows Accompanying my footsteps they followed me into the cool morning. Patches of crystals here and there revealed how the frost had caressed the grass secretly overnight. Just as for many months those cold tendrils have crept into my sleep, Bringing echoes of the unsaid to reverberate in…

My savage truth

I’ve been thinking about bravery and what it means. I’ve made some decisions recently that others have called courageous. I’d like to agree; it would be great to think that I am this fearless warrior woman, tough enough to survive anything. But that’s not what goes on inside for me. With this in mind, it was…

I will be heard

I’m not quite sure where to start. I’m reeling from the shock of my brother’s letter this week. And obsessively turning his words over and over in my head. Searching for something deep, or loving. Scouring those few little paragraphs for any shred of kindness. All I can see is this breathtaking selfishness. After writing…

The futility of words

I have been sitting for days with this blank page. Not even open in reality, just envisioned behind my closed eyes. And still nothing appeared. No words. No thoughts. I could find no possibility of a suitable beginning hiding in amongst the chaos clogging my reasoning. It is as though I’m being thrown around in…

Toxic echoes

There are few words to summarise the rage, sadness and disappointment I’ve been feeling over the last few days. Lately I’ve had some more level weeks; less self-harm, fewer urges to drink, I’ve even made tentative plans for the future. An email exchange with my mum sent me spinning off course before the weekend. After…