The therapeutic relationship is surely the mother of all headf**ks

My therapist thinks we have two relationships; one therapeutic and one personal. I am finding this rather confusing. Unless you’re so dissociative you completely split into different people, surely it isn’t possible to have multiple relationships with the same person? The subject of our relationship has come up again after a disaster of a Skype…

Yet another therapy crisis

For the most part, therapy has been different recently – in a good way. Before I moved onto my boat, I wrote about how scared I was that therapy wouldn’t feel the same. I was scared that the literal distance would put more emotional distance between J and I. It was distressing to think of…

Therapy is suddenly unfamiliar

For the first time since university, I am sat in a launderette impatiently watching the minutes tick down on the machine that I hope isn’t wrecking all our clothes. This is the first chance I’ve had to do some writing in a few days, so although it’s noisy here and uncomfortable I’m going to attempt…

Well that made everything worse

After much deliberation, I decided not to cancel my session today, but instead to go and bring up the worries and frustrations I’m feeling about therapy at the moment. My instinct was to cut myself off from J and hibernate at home, but past experience has taught me that letting these things fester generally just…

I seem to be disillusioned with therapy

Yesterday I had a session with J that left me feeling confusingly angry with her and unable to sleep last night. I didn’t feel angry at the time I was with her, and I can’t figure out what it was she said or did that has prompted this reaction. Maybe it’s just some anger displaced…

I feel like an upside down woodlouse

That’s what I wanted to tell J in therapy today. I didn’t. It sounded too ridiculous even in my own head. But it is really the best analogy for the stuck and helpless place I’ve got myself into. I’ve not been writing much, and I can’t say why. I haven’t been engaging with friends much…

Feeling let down by my therapist: It hurts

I want to smash something. I thought writing might be a better outlet for my anger. Smashing things is, in the best case, expensive. The worst case is I end up harming myself. And I’ve already harmed myself today. I had a good morning at work. The boss was travelling, so we didn’t work very…

Therapy today: The draw of what’s forbidden

In the past few weeks I’ve been trying to make some time to prepare for therapy. Otherwise I’m on the go until I’m walking to J’s house and then I’m often too distracted to think about what I want to say. There are probably hundreds of things during the week that prompt me to think,…

I’m losing faith in humans

On Tuesday night, I was uncharacteristically optimistic as my wife and I sat up and watched the election results come in. It was the same sort of hopefulness I had when the Brexit vote went down. Usually, I’m inclined to catastrophising. The lens of depression focuses on the negatives in most scenarios, the things that…

Trying to trust

I was going to begin by saying ‘it’s been two weeks since my last blog post’, but I realised that made it sound like confession. Which is interesting because, for me, blogging is not a million miles away from that concept. Here I write exactly what I want to say, because I am anonymous and…

Therapy today: Rupture and repair

Apparently therapists are human. I suppose I’d like to think otherwise. Wouldn’t it be great if we had these superhero counsellors that could understand our inner world completely and know exactly how to fix everything? It’s tough when you’re really attached to a therapist. They become one of the most important people in your life….

Silenced again

I wrote yesterday about how much therapy had unsettled me. It was strange, because during the session I felt OK, but walking home this awful gut dread caught up with me. I couldn’t work it out. It was making me want to start a fight with someone or scream. This anger gathered in me and…