I’m back on medication. Hooray.

I’ve had to back down on my hard line ‘no meds’ policy and ask my GP to write me up for something to help my anxiety. After weeks of averaging about 3 hours sleep per night and struggling with extreme agitation in the evenings, it was hard to argue that it wasn’t needed. My moods…

The double horror of flashbacks

It’s been months since I had a proper flashback. By ‘proper’, I mean full-on, not being able to tell what’s real, immersion in my past trauma. That awful experience of really, fully reliving it. In comparison, I get a lot of body memories and intrusive images. Those feel dreadful, but when they come up I…

Day 5 on the psych ward: Some good news

I woke up in such a foul mood because once again I hardly slept. I really thought that I was so exhausted I would finally get some rest last night. I did all the right things; had a bath, read my book, listened to a guided meditation. I put on my eye mask to blot…

Day 3 on the psych ward

That photo is currently the outside world to me. A rectangle of sky above the tall walls of the secure smoking area on the ward.  It feels weird to be locked in. I haven’t experienced this before. I have no recollection of being admitted to the ward, so it wasn’t until my wife took me…

Day 1 on the psych ward

For the sake of my tenuous sanity, I thought it would be a good idea to keep a diary of my (hopefully short) time in the psychiatric hospital. I’ve overdosed on Lorazepam before, so I’m familiar with the resulting amnesia and confusion. It hangs around for days and the order of events gets blurry. I…

My f***ing family

I got back from Germany to the news that my sister in law has breast cancer. That’s the woman who is married to my brother – the man who sexually abused me as a child. I don’t even know what I think or feel about this, other than that it’s a lot of things. I…