The darkness always returns

On Friday night I wanted to kill myself. I can’t say exactly what led to that low point but my mood had definitely taken a nose dive towards the end of last week. I don’t remember much of what was going through my head, other than my wife asking me to come to bed, saying…

Spiralling

All I have are questions and the interrogation runs on repeat a cycle like the tide dragging and pushing so I can never be still And the flailing effort to stay afloat leaves me too exhausted to find my feet for more than a second But that’s just long enough to remind me again and…

Carrying impossibly heavy body memories

The past few days have been awful. Maybe it’s because the suicidal, black moods that were normal for me haven’t been so permanent lately. I’ve still felt like I was permanently struggling, but in a different way. Normal has been anxious, hopeless, fearful, insecure. It’s still been infused with deep self-hatred, but without the active thinking…

I wanted it to end

Things got too much for me again this week. Everyone was complimenting me on how well I had handled the news that the police were dropping my case. I was split about it; on the one hand I could see that and agree with them, while on the other I wanted so badly to self-destruct….

I would be gone

This rush has derailed me and I’m left with an intangible company of shadows, inert Like blood dropped in water we grow weak and pale and the scarlet impact dissipates. If I had a god, I would pray to be taken somewhere far from the confines of myself. My god would show me a place I can swim, where the…

55 days sober

One day I won’t feel the need to do this ridiculous counting anymore. For now, I know I need to count, to reinforce how many days I have dragged myself through without using alcohol. It isn’t a pat-on-the-back thing. I don’t feel as though I’ve achieved anything other than keeping myself alive lately. And most…