On Tuesday I decided that I was finally going to kill myself. I didn’t think about self-harm, or poisoning myself with an almost-fatal overdose as I have in the past. This time, I was resolved to really go through with it. It’s not like I haven’t made plans for this; suicidal fantasies, schemes and logistics…
Tag: Suicide
I’m losing it again
I need to pour my heart out here tonight, because I am really scared. As much as I am desperate to deny it, to my wife, my friends, J and myself, I know I am getting sick again. Things have gone bad. Really bad. I am hardly coping at all. I’m driven towards isolation, hiding,…
I feel like an upside down woodlouse
That’s what I wanted to tell J in therapy today. I didn’t. It sounded too ridiculous even in my own head. But it is really the best analogy for the stuck and helpless place I’ve got myself into. I’ve not been writing much, and I can’t say why. I haven’t been engaging with friends much…
Seething self-hatred. I did it again.
I am full of guilt and self-loathing because, yet again, I couldn’t resist the urge to ‘act out’. I feel like a total f**king moron; a self-obsessed, pathetic failure. There are so many people who go through struggles in life without resorting to the kind of melodramatics I displayed on Tuesday. My new meds are…
Gin and benzos
Some days coping with feelings is easier than others. Today isn’t one of those days. I cut myself. I got drunk. I took benzos. I withdrew and refused to speak to my wife. I loathe myself; the things I’ve done, what I’ve said, how I look, the insane bullshit that spins around inside my head,…
A deeper sort of pain
I’ve been drinking today. I shouldn’t drink. It isn’t safe. And it doesn’t help. I’ve been to meetings and I know all of this, but still I wanted it. It was hard not to start this post with an apology. Partly for the drinking, but I’m guessing none of you will be too judgemental about…
blackspotsite 