Newsflash: This week I felt good about therapy

Today I am 100 days sober. I am 10 days from leaving the job I’ve done for nearly 7 years. And in 12 days I will be leaving the life I know behind and starting out on my boat. Oh and I shouldn’t forget to mention, we’re 3 days into a mini Siberian winter (but…

83 Days in and I’d rather not be sober

Today I’m a week off achieving 90 days of sobriety, but it feels like I’m not going to make it. The cravings have been less constant on the whole, but in the past few days they’ve returned with a vengeance. I fell asleep last night wanting a drink. I woke up this morning wanting a…

65 Days sober. It’s chaotic, but better.

The past week has been far from uneventful. I intended to write to mark 60 days of sobriety, but I’ve only just managed to order my thoughts enough to try and formulate this post. The past weekend was fraught with distressing peripheral events. As J was quick to point out in therapy on Tuesday; it’s…

45 Days sober. The anxiety is hell.

A few weeks ago, my goal of 90 days sober felt incredibly ambitious. So it’s good to stop and recognise today that I am half way there. That’s a big deal. It isn’t like the past 45 days have been easy. I’ve wanted alcohol at some point during each and every one. Some days that…

20 Days sober: I miss the destruction

Yes, I’m back to counting. I used to keep track, but the last time I did that was over a year ago now. At one time, I managed 80 days. But I always eventually failed. And then I got to failing each week, failing every few days, and then failing every day. Again. It’s not…

Goodbye hyperactivity. Hello depression.

My mood has completely sunk today. For the past week I’ve been running on a sort of anxious energy. That doesn’t feel great, because it’s a hyperactive and insecure place. But I was coping with it because I could keep myself busy and not get dragged into my usual cycle of depressive thoughts. While that…

55 days sober

One day I won’t feel the need to do this ridiculous counting anymore. For now, I know I need to count, to reinforce how many days I have dragged myself through without using alcohol. It isn’t a pat-on-the-back thing. I don’t feel as though I’ve achieved anything other than keeping myself alive lately. And most…

35 days sober

And so the counting continues. When I got to 100 days a while ago, I thought I could begin to move beyond the ‘one day at a time’ mentality. But as soon as I thought I’d cracked it, I went and had a drink. It’s probably self-sabotage, but there were a number of other factors…

100 days sober

Today is my 100th day of sobriety. I feel like crap, but I want to mark the milestone. I painted this bird and a few other bits and pieces this weekend, so I guess they can be commemorative. This is the longest I have been sober in years. And gradually, ever so gradually, not drinking is…

I’m in Amsterdam

Now I’m back at work and behaving like a semi-normal human being I am travelling again. They’ve sent me to Amsterdam this week. I am under orders from everyone at home to be on my best behaviour. That means not using the opportunity of time alone to drink or harm myself. It’s a big ask….

80 days sober

The last few weeks have really tested my commitment to sobriety. I’ve come really close on several occasions to throwing it all away. Walking home from my therapist’s house is the most dangerous time for me. I know how soothing hard liquor feels when you’re emotionally drained. I’m drawn to the warmth of it, nothing…

16 Days sober

A short while ago I had a major relapse. By ‘relapse’ I mean I drank half a litre of vodka, took a lot of pills and landed myself in hospital. So I was back to square one with the whole sobriety effort. I’ve been sober for just over two weeks. I’ve even resisted the always alluring…