I am sorry

I’m sorry I’m not truthful. I’m sorry I hide things and lie to protect my destructive behaviour. I’m sorry I am wasting my life. I’m sorry I feel no gratitude for the privileges I live with purely by chance. I’m sorry I can see time passing me by and I do nothing to use it….

Paranoia: My neighbour knows my secrets

A really shitty thing happened. One of my neighbours (I will probably never know who) opened and read my extremely personal notes from my psychiatrist. I meet with my doctor every couple of months and talk to him for around an hour about the most intimate details of my life. I speak about my work,…

A lifetime of shame

I want the picture back the way it was before I landed where I’m stuck here on the floor World spinning mind swimming I might be face down but I won’t stay down and let the loneliness drown me in melancholy There’s nothing funny here nothing good about this fear all consuming there’s just no…

Self rejection and my toxic inner child

I haven’t written in a few weeks. I’m full of too many thoughts. They’re tangled and wound up so tight I can’t find an end to grab hold of to even begin. Expressing myself is frightening. I recently realised that I am in fact scared of my own feelings. I know that sitting inside me…

I am ashamed

Shame is a powerful force. It lingers and spreads, evolving unnoticed until it touches everything. Shame carves a path that annihilates whatever is in its way. And once it’s got a hold, it takes an iron will to overcome it. Wouldn’t it be nice to remember a time without shame? Those hapless days without concern…

Therapy today: A slow motion car crash

I wasn’t looking forward to therapy today. I knew the chances were J would want me to talk more about the events of last week. On Wednesday I had downed a load of Vodka and Lorazepam. Due to the amnesia overdosing on Lorazepam brings, I don’t really remember what I’d said to J on the…