Incest and the awful silence

Risking controversy, I’m going to be brutally honest and admit that I often wish I’d been abused by a celebrity. Or a teacher. Or at least a stranger. I’m not belittling anyone else’s experience. Really I’m not. It’s horrific to be sexually abused by anyone. Full stop. It isn’t easier or harder because you do…

An intruder in therapy

Towards the end of my session with J today, someone walked right up her driveway and seemed to be heading toward the room she sees me in. I know this, because the room has a lot of windows. Which in the past I always liked, because I could look out at the trees and sky…

The moment it all changed

Once, the edges of the world melted and merged And the corners scurried away, afraid to even attempt containing what sat between them. Where there had been substance, memories soaked up the space like saturated paper growing fibrous and faint. Even the ground couldn’t stand to watch, Because it knew its concrete heart would break…

Seething self-hatred. I did it again.

I am full of guilt and self-loathing because, yet again, I couldn’t resist the urge to ‘act out’. I feel like a total f**king moron; a self-obsessed, pathetic failure. There are so many people who go through struggles in life without resorting to the kind of melodramatics I displayed on Tuesday. My new meds are…

Therapists and hugging

I am big on hugs. I’ve always loved hugging people. I’m indiscriminate about it, because everyone needs them, and the benefit goes both ways. And if someone isn’t a hugger, they’ll just say no to the hug and that isn’t so bad. I always try and make time to stop and talk to homeless people, pass…

‘Exploring each other’s bodies’

Those are the words our family doctor used to describe what my mum reported to her. My mum went to her for help because she’d just discovered her 16 year old son had been sexually abusing her 11 year old daughter. She and my dad asked me a lot of impossibly difficult questions before going…

I am sorry

I’m sorry I’m not truthful. I’m sorry I hide things and lie to protect my destructive behaviour. I’m sorry I am wasting my life. I’m sorry I feel no gratitude for the privileges I live with purely by chance. I’m sorry I can see time passing me by and I do nothing to use it….

Paranoia: My neighbour knows my secrets

A really shitty thing happened. One of my neighbours (I will probably never know who) opened and read my extremely personal notes from my psychiatrist. I meet with my doctor every couple of months and talk to him for around an hour about the most intimate details of my life. I speak about my work,…

A lifetime of shame

I want the picture back the way it was before I landed where I’m stuck here on the floor World spinning mind swimming I might be face down but I won’t stay down and let the loneliness drown me in melancholy There’s nothing funny here nothing good about this fear all consuming there’s just no…

Self rejection and my toxic inner child

I haven’t written in a few weeks. I’m full of too many thoughts. They’re tangled and wound up so tight I can’t find an end to grab hold of to even begin. Expressing myself is frightening. I recently realised that I am in fact scared of my own feelings. I know that sitting inside me…

I am ashamed

Shame is a powerful force. It lingers and spreads, evolving unnoticed until it touches everything. Shame carves a path that annihilates whatever is in its way. And once it’s got a hold, it takes an iron will to overcome it. Wouldn’t it be nice to remember a time without shame? Those hapless days without concern…

Therapy today: A slow motion car crash

I wasn’t looking forward to therapy today. I knew the chances were J would want me to talk more about the events of last week. On Wednesday I had downed a load of Vodka and Lorazepam. Due to the amnesia overdosing on Lorazepam brings, I don’t really remember what I’d said to J on the…