An intruder in therapy

Towards the end of my session with J today, someone walked right up her driveway and seemed to be heading toward the room she sees me in. I know this, because the room has a lot of windows. Which in the past I always liked, because I could look out at the trees and sky…

The verdict

My wife’s uncle was convicted of child sexual abuse this week. He was tried on three counts and convicted on two of them. Yesterday he was sent to prison for 6 years. I didn’t know him well. He’s a reclusive alcoholic and I first met him when he was critically ill in intensive care. Everyone…

Spiralling

All I have are questions and the interrogation runs on repeat a cycle like the tide dragging and pushing so I can never be still And the flailing effort to stay afloat leaves me too exhausted to find my feet for more than a second But that’s just long enough to remind me again and…

I made my therapist want to growl

Those were her words, not mine. Apparently I frustrated J to the point that she wanted to growl at me today. It’s been a damp, grey, gloomy day and I just felt like hiding. I was withdrawn and kept myself distant from her. And she didn’t appreciate it. Basically, I feel really overwhelmed. These are…

Drawing EMDR

I can’t quite verbalise what going into EMDR feels like, so I drew it instead. It’s a dark and scary path I follow, and as I progress it grows more black. I am small and defenceless. The trees bend toward me and almost touch me with their sinister whispers. I can hardly move or breathe. Everything…

Therapist holidays

That old chestnut. I know it’s a sore topic for a lot of us in therapy. None of us welcome the prospect of our therapist taking time off. Especially when we are working through the difficult emotions connected with childhood trauma; attachment is complex and frightening. We often feel over-attached to a compassionate therapist who…

EMDR Session 3: Closing the door

Monday means EMDR. It’s become a regular fixture of dread in my schedule. Although my therapy sessions with J are often tough, I rarely hate the idea of going there. But EMDR is different. It is gruelling and painful. There’s not much room for humour or to share the lighter moments in life. Today Dr…

Therapy today: Choosing to isolate

Days without therapy sometimes feel like days without breathing. Even when I see J three times in a week, I still feel so full of everything I want to say to her on the days in between. My life feels like a constant bombardment of frustration, confusion, worry and hurt. The annoying thing is that…

F*** you Steven Fry

I’m going to have an angry rant. And I’m not going to apologise for it. Because a man I had nothing but respect and admiration for said some truly contemptuous things this week. Yeah you guessed right – I’m talking about Steven Fry. I’d always held Mr Fry in high esteem. He’s a highly intellectual…

Therapy today: Self harm and separation

Good stuff happened this morning. I heard from the charity that’s supporting me with setting up my project. They are really happy with the marketing material I’ve produced and they confirmed they’re giving me a grant to get things started. I was delighted to hear that, and to know that I can start promoting my…

I’m a lesbian, therefore I hate men

If you are a woman who happens to like women, it means you hate or fear men. It means that those hairy bodies and smelly feet and stubbly faces are just too repulsive for you. It’s objectionable that men have so much power in society and women are too often subjugated by them and their…

Passenger

Sitting small, holding the pieces as I rush through our life She’s along for the ride my silent passenger Jealously watching as I ignore her and forget willfully her fallibility and imperfections Her green eyes wishing she’d learned to break before me Longing for a different story, a narrative rewritten with self upheld Instead of…