Compelling choices

I’ve been blindsided by anger. It was sudden. It came up in therapy, although I can’t pinpoint exactly what evoked it. Somehow it just materialised and now it is all over me. I feel as though to spite me, my heart is deliberately pumping it around my body. It rushes up and crawls, prickly, all over…

The pain of wanting a different past

It happened almost overnight. I can’t recall the exact moment, but at some point when I was around fifteen I had a sudden realisation that the way my brother had used me to fulfil his sexual fantasies was wrong. It might sound absurd that I didn’t know this all along. Even though I was only…

I can’t force myself

Why does therapy have to be so hard? Why can’t it just be easy to talk about all the stuff that needs talking about? We’d all be a lot healthier that way. But then I suppose we wouldn’t need therapy in the first place… I’m so tired this evening. I’m tired of trying and I’m…

Feeling let down by my therapist: It hurts

I want to smash something. I thought writing might be a better outlet for my anger. Smashing things is, in the best case, expensive. The worst case is I end up harming myself. And I’ve already harmed myself today. I had a good morning at work. The boss was travelling, so we didn’t work very…

EMDR raincheck

I didn’t write about EMDR yesterday because I didn’t go. I am ashamed of not going. I wasn’t raised to run away from a fight. It felt like cowardice, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. Last week the session felt brutal. When I recounted it to J, she used the term ‘harrowing’, and…

A week of sliding

The hangover from EMDR this week has been a heavy one and I’m not surprised. The particular memory I worked on in my session on Monday was one of the most frightening and traumatic. I thought that as the days put distance between me and that horrible session, I would start to feel better about…

Powerlessness and unmanageability

The first step in any twelve step programme is admitting powerlessness and unmanageability. After attending meetings for a few months, I thought I should begin working on step one: “We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable” I’ve got a workbook to help me write my way through the…

55 days sober

One day I won’t feel the need to do this ridiculous counting anymore. For now, I know I need to count, to reinforce how many days I have dragged myself through without using alcohol. It isn’t a pat-on-the-back thing. I don’t feel as though I’ve achieved anything other than keeping myself alive lately. And most…

Therapy today: Blood and denial

I’ve been trying to work out why I like bleeding. J and I have been talking a bit about self harm in my therapy sessions, since I’ve got back in the habit of it. I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of the compulsion for over a year now. It’s still not much clearer….

I’m in Amsterdam

Now I’m back at work and behaving like a semi-normal human being I am travelling again. They’ve sent me to Amsterdam this week. I am under orders from everyone at home to be on my best behaviour. That means not using the opportunity of time alone to drink or harm myself. It’s a big ask….

80 days sober

The last few weeks have really tested my commitment to sobriety. I’ve come really close on several occasions to throwing it all away. Walking home from my therapist’s house is the most dangerous time for me. I know how soothing hard liquor feels when you’re emotionally drained. I’m drawn to the warmth of it, nothing…

Embracing my fire tiger

It’s Chinese new year on Monday, the year of the Monkey. That inspired me to look up my zodiac animal. Google tells me I’m a fire tiger. I am quite happy with that. Ferocious and powerful. Tigers are stunning animals. If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that I’ve had a tough few weeks. I’m…