Yet another therapy crisis

For the most part, therapy has been different recently – in a good way. Before I moved onto my boat, I wrote about how scared I was that therapy wouldn’t feel the same. I was scared that the literal distance would put more emotional distance between J and I. It was distressing to think of…

20 Days sober: I miss the destruction

Yes, I’m back to counting. I used to keep track, but the last time I did that was over a year ago now. At one time, I managed 80 days. But I always eventually failed. And then I got to failing each week, failing every few days, and then failing every day. Again. It’s not…

Day 2 on the psych ward

I’d really, really like to shave my armpits. It’s amazing how fast that hair grows. I can deal with the spidery legs, but the armpits make me feel grim. I noticed this because I had a bath tonight. I had a bath because the shower in my room doesn’t work and can’t be fixed for…

Day 1 on the psych ward

For the sake of my tenuous sanity, I thought it would be a good idea to keep a diary of my (hopefully short) time in the psychiatric hospital. I’ve overdosed on Lorazepam before, so I’m familiar with the resulting amnesia and confusion. It hangs around for days and the order of events gets blurry. I…

This is a messy place

I’m still feeling really churned up over what’s happened in therapy this week. There are so few things I’m confident I can rely on lately, and it feels very unsettling that my relationship with J is suddenly unreliable. It actually feels scary to think that she isn’t consistent in the way I thought she was….

Going into another therapy break

Yesterday I had my last therapy session before J’s holiday. 16 days without therapy are stretching out ahead of me. That feels like a lot of time. It feels like I have a big space to fill, in the three afternoons each week that I’d usually be seeing J. What helps is planning. Usually, I…

Therapy resumed and everything got worse

I wrote a few days ago about the crushing sense of overwhelm I’m feeling at the moment. My wife and I went away for a few days at the weekend, which was much needed. We just headed down to the coast and camped for a few days. It was hot and sunny and the camp…

Therapy today was confrontational

Therapy on Tuesday and Wednesday was relatively easy. J and I even talked about how I feel about those ‘easy’ sessions. I said I feel like there are a waste of time. She said it depends how you think about therapy, but I stood by my view that I’m not doing therapy if it isn’t…

“I think you enjoy feeling suicidal”

That’s what my psychiatrist said to me today. He hypothesised that I don’t help myself out of a dark place when I am there because I like being there. This from a man who has probably spent a total of about 10 hours with me in the past year. I was anxious about meeting with…

Is food an issue now?

In therapy yesterday, J was insistent that I start eating more. This was surprising to me, because I can’t recall her ever telling me what to do in the past. Usually she makes suggestions, or phrases her requests by saying something like, ‘I would really like it if you thought about’ doing this or that….

Defeated in my quest to be drug free

Yesterday I had to admit defeat and go on new antidepressants. It’s not something I wanted and I feel deeply disappointed that I couldn’t manage without them. So today I have begun another cycle of side effects and dose increases and wondering whether any of it is working. I stopped taking Mirtazipine at the start…

Insecurity in therapy: The chaos of anxious attachment

Yesterday I wanted to kill myself. But I am still here. Somehow I survived that storm and crawled out the other side. It passed. Because it always passes. When I’m in it though, it’s impossible to hold onto that knowledge. The light of imagination doesn’t break into that dark place. There’s only the torture of…