My f***ing family

I got back from Germany to the news that my sister in law has breast cancer. That’s the woman who is married to my brother – the man who sexually abused me as a child. I don’t even know what I think or feel about this, other than that it’s a lot of things. I…

Travelling to meet my new niece

I am sitting in the airport in Frankfurt reflecting on the last few days here. There were times when I found it tricky, but for the most part spending time with my sister and my little niece was pretty relaxed. It’s always challenging for me when I’m away from home. Less so when I have…

Therapy is cancelled. I’m writing instead.

I cancelled therapy today. I know that’s not productive and that the only way I’m going to feel better about my relationship with my therapist is to go and discuss it with her. But I don’t want to see her at the moment, I am feeling very hurt and the result is that I want…

Family: Old and new

At the moment, I’ve got one tiny new family member, and a very frail old one who are both very much on my mind. Neither of them is closely connected to the emotional difficulties I have with my family (least of all the new little one), so I find it easier to feel caring towards…

This is a messy place

I’m still feeling really churned up over what’s happened in therapy this week. There are so few things I’m confident I can rely on lately, and it feels very unsettling that my relationship with J is suddenly unreliable. It actually feels scary to think that she isn’t consistent in the way I thought she was….

I seem to be disillusioned with therapy

Yesterday I had a session with J that left me feeling confusingly angry with her and unable to sleep last night. I didn’t feel angry at the time I was with her, and I can’t figure out what it was she said or did that has prompted this reaction. Maybe it’s just some anger displaced…