Why do I self harm?

This could be triggering. If you’re struggling with self harm, please take care if you read on. There are obvious reasons why I damage myself; self hatred, anger, trying to cope with overwhelming feelings. There’s also the addictive or learned part of it. I know how it will feel. I know I’ll enjoy it. There…

Words have been difficult

I have tried so many times to get myself to start this post. Early August was the last time I managed to write something here. There’s been this sense of futility and utter boredom clinging to me that’s made damn sure I wasn’t even going to open the page. I am bored with myself. I’m…

Multiples

It wanders on, this war Not raging as wars are said to do But throbbing, gnawing, draining my energy in perpetuity. If I could only close my ears Make myself blind to the versions of myself Would it stop? Might there finally be quiet? I must have forgotten the calm Or perhaps I never had…

Coping with a huge trigger

A little while ago something extremely triggering happened. It wasn’t one of the everyday triggers, the smells and dates and accidental interactions that I am better at managing these days. This was a monster of a trigger. I was helping an older man with something on the canal while I was out walking my dog…

When parents let you down

I haven’t made time for writing recently, and that’s a mistake. Writing helps me order my thoughts and feel less overwhelmed, and connecting with this community gives me a sense of companionship and support. A few weeks ago, I got very withdrawn, and WordPress is one of the things I withdrew from. I was isolating…

Incest and the awful silence

Risking controversy, I’m going to be brutally honest and admit that I often wish I’d been abused by a celebrity. Or a teacher. Or at least a stranger. I’m not belittling anyone else’s experience. Really I’m not. It’s horrific to be sexually abused by anyone. Full stop. It isn’t easier or harder because you do…