Attempting to adjust

I’ve now been out of hospital for 3 days and it’s definitely taking some time for me to recover. I’m technically still an inpatient, just on ‘home leave’, although unsurprisingly nobody from the hospital has checked up on me. I have to go back there to have an official discharge meeting on Wednesday morning, where…

Day 6 on the psych ward

The first thing I did this morning was pack my bag, even though it was still a day before going home. I am struggling to tolerate this, even though I know it’s not for much longer. I am so very grateful I don’t have to. I’m permanently in a state of slight anxiety, constantly waiting…

Day 3 on the psych ward

That photo is currently the outside world to me. A rectangle of sky above the tall walls of the secure smoking area on the ward.  It feels weird to be locked in. I haven’t experienced this before. I have no recollection of being admitted to the ward, so it wasn’t until my wife took me…

Day 2 on the psych ward

I’d really, really like to shave my armpits. It’s amazing how fast that hair grows. I can deal with the spidery legs, but the armpits make me feel grim. I noticed this because I had a bath tonight. I had a bath because the shower in my room doesn’t work and can’t be fixed for…

So I am back in the loony bin

It’s not a very complicated story. I went to the pub after therapy on Wednesday afternoon. At the bottom of the second double, I decided I’d kill myself. The decision was impulsive, but the urge had been hanging around for months. I wanted to go somewhere I wouldn’t be found until it was too late….

Day 1 on the psych ward

For the sake of my tenuous sanity, I thought it would be a good idea to keep a diary of my (hopefully short) time in the psychiatric hospital. I’ve overdosed on Lorazepam before, so I’m familiar with the resulting amnesia and confusion. It hangs around for days and the order of events gets blurry. I…

Nostalgic for a place where my pain belonged

In the past few weeks, I’ve felt like each time the spring sunshine warmed me, it also drenched me in nostalgia. Fewer words more aptly describe a feeling than this one. Nostalgia is about more than recollection; it is about the bittersweet nature of specific memories. I’m nerdy about language, so out of curiosity I…

It’s so hard to be honest

I read this great post from my friend Samantha Jane at both sides of the wall this morning. She highlighted something I hadn’t thought a lot about but totally agree with. She was asking why it is so hard for us to admit that we were victims of sexual abuse. It struck a chord with…

NHS psychiatric care: Trying to keep an open mind

I woke up feeling OK about the week ahead, despite having a lot of anxious dreams that have disturbed my sleep the last two nights. I’m used to feeling tired now, that’s been going on for months. On the plus side, the sun was shining this morning for my walk. While I enjoyed all the…

Therapy today: Asking for help

I was looking forward to my therapy session today. I have missed having that breathing space available and I’ve missed my therapist. It’s not that I just miss talking to her, I miss knowing she is there if things go wrong. She’s talked me out of a self-destructive spiral a few times in the past…

The apple never falls far from the tree

I was out walking yesterday and I trod on a rancid fallen pear. My instinct wasn’t to look down at the offending fruit, but to look up accusingly at the branches of the tree it came from. It made me think of the old saying about how the apple (or in this case, pear) never…