“I think you enjoy feeling suicidal”

That’s what my psychiatrist said to me today. He hypothesised that I don’t help myself out of a dark place when I am there because I like being there. This from a man who has probably spent a total of about 10 hours with me in the past year. I was anxious about meeting with…

Seething self-hatred. I did it again.

I am full of guilt and self-loathing because, yet again, I couldn’t resist the urge to ‘act out’. I feel like a total f**king moron; a self-obsessed, pathetic failure. There are so many people who go through struggles in life without resorting to the kind of melodramatics I displayed on Tuesday. My new meds are…

The vast unsaid

A restless being dark and powerful she is the culmination of voiceless years The vast unsaid in every feather forged from silence swallowed and quiet, rumbling rage She swirls and swoops with momentum building anticipating the opportunity to prey on me once more Embodying all that I loathe, I hate her but I am her…

Happy birthday, a**hole

It’s true what they say about anniversaries. No amount of CBT-ing myself that ‘it’s just another day of the year’ can stop me being triggered by days like today. Today is my abuser’s birthday. I know this, because the man who abused me is my brother. I know the sort of things he will do…

A lot to handle in a week

It feels as though I have dragged myself through this week. I was so relieved to walk out of the office this afternoon and know that I don’t have to pretend to be normal or competent for the next couple of days. I feel like keeping it together at work is slowly starting to kill…

If you could ask your therapist anything, what would it be?

J challenged me in therapy today. She started with the eating thing again (Tuesday’s session explained here). She asked me when I will stop starving myself. She said she was worried about ‘where this is heading’. She went into her ‘duty of care’ spiel and talked about our ‘contract’ (a vague verbal agreement about our…