“I think you enjoy feeling suicidal”

That’s what my psychiatrist said to me today. He hypothesised that I don’t help myself out of a dark place when I am there because I like being there. This from a man who has probably spent a total of about 10 hours with me in the past year. I was anxious about meeting with…

Seething self-hatred. I did it again.

I am full of guilt and self-loathing because, yet again, I couldn’t resist the urge to ‘act out’. I feel like a total f**king moron; a self-obsessed, pathetic failure. There are so many people who go through struggles in life without resorting to the kind of melodramatics I displayed on Tuesday. My new meds are…

Happy birthday, a**hole

It’s true what they say about anniversaries. No amount of CBT-ing myself that ‘it’s just another day of the year’ can stop me being triggered by days like today. Today is my abuser’s birthday. I know this, because the man who abused me is my brother. I know the sort of things he will do…

A lot to handle in a week

It feels as though I have dragged myself through this week. I was so relieved to walk out of the office this afternoon and know that I don’t have to pretend to be normal or competent for the next couple of days. I feel like keeping it together at work is slowly starting to kill…

Intrinsically damaged and incapable

This week I have been obsessing over my stuckness. My sense of being in the middle of something with no space to move. I don’t want my past, and I can’t envision my future. But right now feels horrible and I don’t want to be in this place forever. I made a mistake in looking…

Catching up

I’ve been out of touch for┬áthe past few weeks. I kept thinking of writing and not quite being able to translate anything from my brain to the page. So today I am forcing myself to write this, in the hope that I can break that deadlock. Firstly, and most importantly, I had a really great…