Why am I trying to belong?

I knew I was going to find my dad’s birthday tricky. Any sort of anniversary tends to churn things up for me, not least the ones connected with my family. I didn’t want to have to talk to him, or give him any sort of special attention, because our relationship is not in a good…

Art became rage

I got home from work at lunchtime in a shitty mood. I knew I had an empty afternoon ahead and I was fantasising about the destructive ways I could fill it. I sat for an hour or so thinking about the options and formulating dangerous plans. After a while sitting with the exhilerating thought of…

Going into another therapy break

Yesterday I had my last therapy session before J’s holiday. 16 days without therapy are stretching out ahead of me. That feels like a lot of time. It feels like I have a big space to fill, in the three afternoons each week that I’d usually be seeing J. What helps is planning. Usually, I…

I’m losing it again

I need to pour my heart out here tonight, because I am really scared. As much as I am desperate to deny it, to my wife, my friends, J and myself, I know I am getting sick again. Things have gone bad. Really bad. I am hardly coping at all. I’m driven towards isolation, hiding,…

An intruder in therapy

Towards the end of my session with J today, someone walked right up her driveway and seemed to be heading toward the room she sees me in. I know this, because the room has a lot of windows. Which in the past I always liked, because I could look out at the trees and sky…

Sunrise surprise in Paris

As often happens when I’m travelling, I didn’t get a great night’s sleep. More often than not, hotels have a strange energy about them and it’s rarely relaxing for me. I tend to have in the back of my mind the feeling that I am in someone else’s space. Or someone is going to walk…