Goodbye old friend

The death of a pet is horribly painful, and tonight I am feeling that heavy grief. My mum called this evening to tell me our family dog died today. If you don’t own a pet, then it’s likely you won’t understand what it is to love an animal as part of your family. This daft…

The death of a friendship

It’s day 1 of the therapy break and I’m already feeling J’s absence. It was a tough weekend, and even tougher because I knew I wasn’t going to have therapy today. I know I’ll survive, but I can’t help feeling daunted by the prospect of two weeks without seeing J. The weekend brought some big…

Babies

There are three kinds of babies in my life right now; babies that make me happy, babies that make me miserable, and possible babies that aren’t around yet. I’m reached an age at which the people I spend time with are spawning. We’re all in our 30s and they’re settling down. Being this age also…

To the little one I lost

I loved you when you were only a clump of cells. When she told me about you, I couldn’t help but feel excited. I knew your chances were slim, but I hoped for you. I couldn’t push her when she made her decision. It wasn’t my choice to make. But I want you to know…

Therapy today: Overwhelmed

As I start writing this, I’m already tempted to run off topic. Therapy today was tricky. I felt guarded and distant. There was a fair bit of hopelessness around. Maybe that’s why I’ve not written much about therapy recently. It’s perhaps why I haven’t written much at all. I’ve struggled to feel like there is…

Today’s soundtrack: Remains

If you haven’t listened to Bastille, you really should. The vocals are raw and the lyrics have so much impact. Tonight this song hit me right in the stomach. I thought I was doing OK. I’ve been keeping myself so busy. Ignoring the fact that I’ve got a miserable cold and I should really rest; I’ve cleaned…

Today I found out what grief is

This morning, a friend greeted me outside the office looking very serious. We had a smoke together and he told me the awful news. A friend and colleague passed away at the weekend. He wasn’t a lot older than me, and he’s left a wife and two small children behind. On hearing this, I didn’t feel…

Therapy today: My darkness

I’m having bonus therapy this week. J suggested I see her every day for a little while, to get me through this difficult stage. I agreed because I’m having some trouble keeping myself safe. What happened today was odd. For the whole session, these quiet tears just kept streaming down my face. I didn’t feel…

Inventory (part 1): What did you lose in 2015?

Ever taken an inventory? It’s something they always pushed in AA, but I hated their moralistic standpoint on it. The exercise was basically about identifying everything you’ve ever done wrong and atoning for it. A friend recently posted an inventory of her losses (a suggestion from the ‘Courage to heal’ book) which I found thought-provoking. I…

Failing one more time

Yesterday was all about loss. I’m not talking about the loss you feel when someone dies. This is a different kind, it’s the loss of hopes, dreams, excitement and expectation. The loss of my life before all this. I went to the yard where our old life is stored. It’s all boxed up in a…