I’m not like them

The morning arrives once more to animate me it pushes in, uninvited and drags me into another day of compliance sitting and waiting and creating nothing while plagued with small talk politeness at best phony concern or voyeuristic interest at worst Chemicals make it vaguely tolerable, but there’s never enough Because I am not like…

The darkness always returns

On Friday night I wanted to kill myself. I can’t say exactly what led to that low point but my mood had definitely taken a nose dive towards the end of last week. I don’t remember much of what was going through my head, other than my wife asking me to come to bed, saying…

Some brutal honesty

I am going to do something out of character and just be totally honest. I’m not normally. Even in this beautifully anonymous space. I’m not even honest with myself most of the time. It isn’t that I lie to you or anyone else for the most part. I just hold back. I guess that is…

What does your writing say about you?

When we sit down to write, we all have a vague idea of what we’re trying to say. But what does the way you write say about your personality? You can find out… My day job is at a psychometrics firm. We create and deliver people assessments for recruitment and development. This includes a lot of…

Self rejection and my toxic inner child

I haven’t written in a few weeks. I’m full of too many thoughts. They’re tangled and wound up so tight I can’t find an end to grab hold of to even begin. Expressing myself is frightening. I recently realised that I am in fact scared of my own feelings. I know that sitting inside me…

His life changed

Today my abuser became a father, and I became an aunt to a nephew I will probably never meet. I know my family are all celebrating without me right now. They’ll be sharing in a warm, joyous feeling that I can’t have any part of. My mum decided the best way to fill me in…

Thank you

A year ago, I wrote my first post on this blog. I had no idea back then how important blogging would become in my life. I couldn’t have anticipated how much this community would one day mean to me. This space allows me to breathe. It is so valuable to have a place where I can…

EMDR: I quit

I’ve not written about EMDR in a while. That’s because I quit. I threw in the towel because it was too hard. Actually, too hard is an understatement; it was horrific. I know there was merit in it. I believe that the treatment works. After five sessions, I had noticed a reduction in flashbacks and…

Babies

There are three kinds of babies in my life right now; babies that make me happy, babies that make me miserable, and possible babies that aren’t around yet. I’m reached an age at which the people I spend time with are spawning. We’re all in our 30s and they’re settling down. Being this age also…

I am ashamed

Shame is a powerful force. It lingers and spreads, evolving unnoticed until it touches everything. Shame carves a path that annihilates whatever is in its way. And once it’s got a hold, it takes an iron will to overcome it. Wouldn’t it be nice to remember a time without shame? Those hapless days without concern…

I am still here

I’ve been scared of this blank page it stares accusingly at me asking why I’ve neglected the space the room to breathe that it offers It wants me to open my mind and let my fingers tell their secrets spilling my soul into the empty space and calling out to anyone who wanders by I…

I would be gone

This rush has derailed me and I’m left with an intangible company of shadows, inert Like blood dropped in water we grow weak and pale and the scarlet impact dissipates. If I had a god, I would pray to be taken somewhere far from the confines of myself. My god would show me a place I can swim, where the…