Carrying impossibly heavy body memories

The past few days have been awful. Maybe it’s because the suicidal, black moods that were normal for me haven’t been so permanent lately. I’ve still felt like I was permanently struggling, but in a different way. Normal has been anxious, hopeless, fearful, insecure. It’s still been infused with deep self-hatred, but without the active thinking…

Be the person you need

I read this somewhere. It was probably one of those annoying memes on Facebook. They irritate me because I feel like most of the little quotes are cliched and patronising – especially the ones relating to mental health. But the concept of being what I need interested me. Caring about vs caring for As adults,…

She punishes me

I’m sitting between blank walls they move closer as I let her speak That passenger who fights me from the past. I defend on impulse overpowered by the urge to control and obliterate, The drive for pain as relief. She’s a shameful haunting so I keep her cowered in the dark and like all the…

Advice please: How do you parent yourself?

Can you offer advice on how I can parent my inner child? Lots of you write about this, and I know its something a lot of survivors of abuse and neglect struggle with. When you’re so deeply wounded as a little one, its no wonder taking care of that younger part is such a challenge….

Writing to the child within

I’ve been considering making contact with my inner child. I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean literally writing to her and allowing her to respond. At the CoDA meeting on Saturday, I got talking to someone who did some left hand / right hand writing. She said it was a revelation. She couldn’t believe what her…

Therapy today: Blood and denial

I’ve been trying to work out why I like bleeding. J and I have been talking a bit about self harm in my therapy sessions, since I’ve got back in the habit of it. I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of the compulsion for over a year now. It’s still not much clearer….

Therapy today: Little Laura

Dissociation is very common in people with PTSD. Those who have experienced trauma, particularly from childhood sexual abuse, often fragment themselves. At the time of the trauma, it is a very effective defence. By dissociating yourself from events that feel like they threaten your existence, those events seem less real. The dissociation enables a victim to…

Passenger

Sitting small, holding the pieces as I rush through our life She’s along for the ride my silent passenger Jealously watching as I ignore her and forget willfully her fallibility and imperfections Her green eyes wishing she’d learned to break before me Longing for a different story, a narrative rewritten with self upheld Instead of…

Therapy today: My lonely defence

Last night I tried out a new therapy group. It wasn’t good for me. I didn’t feel safe with the therapist, I didn’t like his approach and generally didn’t trust him. After participating in group therapy for 3 months last year, I know there are certain prerequisites when running a group. This guy didn’t meet…