The moment it all changed

Once, the edges of the world melted and merged And the corners scurried away, afraid to even attempt containing what sat between them. Where there had been substance, memories soaked up the space like saturated paper growing fibrous and faint. Even the ground couldn’t stand to watch, Because it knew its concrete heart would break…

The verdict

My wife’s uncle was convicted of child sexual abuse this week. He was tried on three counts and convicted on two of them. Yesterday he was sent to prison for 6 years. I didn’t know him well. He’s a reclusive alcoholic and I first met him when he was critically ill in intensive care. Everyone…

A lot to catch up on

I don’t know where to start today. It’s been a heavy few weeks and I feel as though I have this huge backlog of things I need to write about. Perhaps the best way to begin is to summarise. I was in Sweden last week Last week I was part of a small team running…

Therapy today was confrontational

Therapy on Tuesday and Wednesday was relatively easy. J and I even talked about how I feel about those ‘easy’ sessions. I said I feel like there are a waste of time. She said it depends how you think about therapy, but I stood by my view that I’m not doing therapy if it isn’t…

Happy birthday, a**hole

It’s true what they say about anniversaries. No amount of CBT-ing myself that ‘it’s just another day of the year’ can stop me being triggered by days like today. Today is my abuser’s birthday. I know this, because the man who abused me is my brother. I know the sort of things he will do…

Therapy today: Being left in silence

I’m having one of those therapy saturation point days. This happens every now again; I just feel like I can’t handle it anymore. I feel like quitting because it is all so hard and seems to get me nowhere. I’ve written a fair bit about my problem with silence in therapy. A little bit is fine….

A much needed break

On Friday I had a heavy overdose of family. My sister was visiting from Germany with her fiancé who I hadn’t yet met. We headed down to the coast to take my grandma out for the day as an overdue celebration of her 80th birthday. Given that in the past week I have struggled more…

I try to forget

They keep walking through while I sink into the stone cold sorrow of everything I have to lose and will continue to lose I see them moving away as I hide and try to forget Submerged in the solitude of a past existence that is everything to me but to them, unpalatable inconvenient. So they leave…

Black sheep

As far back as primary school I remember having a sense of otherness. It started with being from an ‘alternative’ sort of family. My parents and their friends are mostly musicians. And my mum was always a bit of a hippy. I never lived it down when she spent a summer collecting me from school barefoot….

‘Exploring each other’s bodies’

Those are the words our family doctor used to describe what my mum reported to her. My mum went to her for help because she’d just discovered her 16 year old son had been sexually abusing her 11 year old daughter. She and my dad asked me a lot of impossibly difficult questions before going…

Shards of my truth

I’m drinking these lines and their heavy meaning leaning on my desire to pause and hold my breath, because this is my story in forgotten, dusty fragments from the pens of those who didn’t know me How can it be mine? when stretching through time the design has dissipated the truth was desiccated and only dry shards…

Today I learned how good it can feel to cry

This morning I experienced a powerful and moving CoDA meeting. I cried, without shame, in front of a group of people. That has literally never happened to me before. Particularly with this specific sadness, a sadness I have never been able to openly and comfortably share with anybody. Working the CoDA (Codependents Anonymous – more…