Hoping to give up hope

Hopelessness is fearlessness. Because without hope there is nothing to lose, and the struggle eases. The exhaustion of striving abates. In the absence of hope, there’s a freedom, a letting go. Not wanting is desolate and liberating all at once. Wanting and hoping are intrinsically intertwined with defeat. They’re what drives us, yes, but they’re…

Craving a disaster

I’m holding it together but it’s taking every ounce of strength. It shouldn’t be a surprise that fighting is harder than defeat. Every tiny step forward is a leap of faith, as I push on into the unknown. I’m doing it. The things they’ve all been telling me to do for years now. Some courage…

Please tell me how to get through this

This is a plea for advice. The reasons why are a lot to go into, and I haven’t got the energy for explaining right now. But the short story is I’ve suddenly found myself smack in the middle of intense emotional pain. It feels like huge, heavy, overwhelming grief. It is completely unbearable. I keep…

Something new: Working with my body

I’ve started having some reflexology. J and I recognised a very long time ago that I have a lot of stuckness in my body. Not only feelings, but body memories from the time I was abused. Even though I knew this, I didn’t feel ready to do any body based therapy. It wasn’t that I…

Your gift

This precious gift you offer shouldn’t feel like a sacrifice because it nurtures me carrying me through all those slow hours of every day It bathes me in a warmth so deep and intense and simultaneously, unwaveringly secure I am alert, always to what it costs me Because you make me want to hold on…

Don’t stand there in the flames

A distant voice tells you, with kindness Don’t stand there in the flames You hear the warning and with coals around your feet You remain perfectly still Who can see the strength you summon, straining with every sinew merely to survive Who can understand the crushing disappointment that greets you every day Because despite a…

I am still here

I’ve been scared of this blank page it stares accusingly at me asking why I’ve neglected the space the room to breathe that it offers It wants me to open my mind and let my fingers tell their secrets spilling my soul into the empty space and calling out to anyone who wanders by I…

Face it with courage

“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” A beautiful quote from the amazing Maya Angelou that shone a little light in my very dark week. It made me think of all those mighty survivors warriors I connect with through this blog. You share so…

Turn your face to the sun

“Turn your face to the sun, and the shadows fall behind you.” I’ve heard this quote a few times before. It’s been attributed to lots of people, including Walt Whitman, but apparently it’s an old proverb. Either way, it made me smile to read it today.  

Letting some light in

On Sunday I had a ‘once in a lifetime’ experience. My parents, for all their faults, gave me an excellent musical education as I grew up. Totally different influences came from mum and dad. From dad came rock, metal and blues. From my mum came folk, jazz and singer songwriters. My early days were a…

Therapy today: Roadblocks

I was stubborn again in therapy today. My morning was busy and stressful. I had to give a presentation at work on where I want my department to be in five years. Naturally that led me on to thinking about where I want my personal life, my real life, to be by then. And honestly,…

Not all those who wander are lost

I wanted to share this today, for all the fighters and survivors out there. Whatever it is you’re battling, your story is unique and I won’t ever feel your pain like you do. I will never know or completely understand the suffering of others, but when I read the blogs of my online friends I get to…