To the little one I lost

I loved you when you were only a clump of cells. When she told me about you, I couldn’t help but feel excited. I knew your chances were slim, but I hoped for you. I couldn’t push her when she made her decision. It wasn’t my choice to make. But I want you to know…

Today’s soundtrack: Remains

If you haven’t listened to Bastille, you really should. The vocals are raw and the lyrics have so much impact. Tonight this song hit me right in the stomach. I thought I was doing OK. I’ve been keeping myself so busy. Ignoring the fact that I’ve got a miserable cold and I should really rest; I’ve cleaned…

Today I found out what grief is

This morning, a friend greeted me outside the office looking very serious. We had a smoke together and he told me the awful news. A friend and colleague passed away at the weekend. He wasn’t a lot older than me, and he’s left a wife and two small children behind. On hearing this, I didn’t feel…

Silk threads

Between that old world and now lies an intangible half-truth of apparent idyll in muted tones captured in soft focus so we didn’t have to let them go. Those welcome days were real Enough that I could once feel their warm shadows and hold them close. In lonely desperation, I grasp those threads of silk…

Therapy today: My darkness

I’m having bonus therapy this week. J suggested I see her every day for a little while, to get me through this difficult stage. I agreed because I’m having some trouble keeping myself safe. What happened today was odd. For the whole session, these quiet tears just kept streaming down my face. I didn’t feel…

Toxic echoes

There are few words to summarise the rage, sadness and disappointment I’ve been feeling over the last few days. Lately I’ve had some more level weeks; less self-harm, fewer urges to drink, I’ve even made tentative plans for the future. An email exchange with my mum sent me spinning off course before the weekend. After…