Goodbye old friend

The death of a pet is horribly painful, and tonight I am feeling that heavy grief. My mum called this evening to tell me our family dog died today. If you don’t own a pet, then it’s likely you won’t understand what it is to love an animal as part of your family. This daft…

The truth hit me like a truck

A painful clarity emerged for me recently, and it’s been too hard to write about it. The strange thing is that some part of me has known this truth for a long time, but I’ve been fighting against it. I get so angry about all the denial in my family, but I realise now that…

Finding some small comforts

I posted yesterday about this huge sadness and pain I’ve been experiencing this week. It was really lovely to have so many suggestions from you guys when I asked for advice on how to manage it. The fact that people took the time to write their thoughts for me has helped in itself. Reading through…

Please tell me how to get through this

This is a plea for advice. The reasons why are a lot to go into, and I haven’t got the energy for explaining right now. But the short story is I’ve suddenly found myself smack in the middle of intense emotional pain. It feels like huge, heavy, overwhelming grief. It is completely unbearable. I keep…

Today I learned how good it can feel to cry

This morning I experienced a powerful and moving CoDA meeting. I cried, without shame, in front of a group of people. That has literally never happened to me before. Particularly with this specific sadness, a sadness I have never been able to openly and comfortably share with anybody. Working the CoDA (Codependents Anonymous – more…

Grief for the living

The news about the baby has still not settled in me. I know when I go for therapy tomorrow, J will expect me to talk about how it feels. And I’m not sure where to even begin on that. Those emotions are so knotted up, I can’t quite figure out how to unravel them. Like…

To the little one I lost

I loved you when you were only a clump of cells. When she told me about you, I couldn’t help but feel excited. I knew your chances were slim, but I hoped for you. I couldn’t push her when she made her decision. It wasn’t my choice to make. But I want you to know…

Today’s soundtrack: Remains

If you haven’t listened to Bastille, you really should. The vocals are raw and the lyrics have so much impact. Tonight this song hit me right in the stomach. I thought I was doing OK. I’ve been keeping myself so busy. Ignoring the fact that I’ve got a miserable cold and I should really rest; I’ve cleaned…

Today I found out what grief is

This morning, a friend greeted me outside the office looking very serious. We had a smoke together and he told me the awful news. A friend and colleague passed away at the weekend. He wasn’t a lot older than me, and he’s left a wife and two small children behind. On hearing this, I didn’t feel…

Silk threads

Between that old world and now lies an intangible half-truth of apparent idyll in muted tones captured in soft focus so we didn’t have to let them go. Those welcome days were real Enough that I could once feel their warm shadows and hold them close. In lonely desperation, I grasp those threads of silk…

Therapy today: My darkness

I’m having bonus therapy this week. J suggested I see her every day for a little while, to get me through this difficult stage. I agreed because I’m having some trouble keeping myself safe. What happened today was odd. For the whole session, these quiet tears just kept streaming down my face. I didn’t feel…

Toxic echoes

There are few words to summarise the rage, sadness and disappointment I’ve been feeling over the last few days. Lately I’ve had some more level weeks; less self-harm, fewer urges to drink, I’ve even made tentative plans for the future. An email exchange with my mum sent me spinning off course before the weekend. After…