Words have been difficult

I have tried so many times to get myself to start this post. Early August was the last time I managed to write something here. There’s been this sense of futility and utter boredom clinging to me that’s made damn sure I wasn’t even going to open the page. I am bored with myself. I’m…

When parents let you down

I haven’t made time for writing recently, and that’s a mistake. Writing helps me order my thoughts and feel less overwhelmed, and connecting with this community gives me a sense of companionship and support. A few weeks ago, I got very withdrawn, and WordPress is one of the things I withdrew from. I was isolating…

Incest and the awful silence

Risking controversy, I’m going to be brutally honest and admit that I often wish I’d been abused by a celebrity. Or a teacher. Or at least a stranger. I’m not belittling anyone else’s experience. Really I’m not. It’s horrific to be sexually abused by anyone. Full stop. It isn’t easier or harder because you do…

Yet another therapy crisis

For the most part, therapy has been different recently – in a good way. Before I moved onto my boat, I wrote about how scared I was that therapy wouldn’t feel the same. I was scared that the literal distance would put more emotional distance between J and I. It was distressing to think of…

Hoping to give up hope

Hopelessness is fearlessness. Because without hope there is nothing to lose, and the struggle eases. The exhaustion of striving abates. In the absence of hope, there’s a freedom, a letting go. Not wanting is desolate and liberating all at once. Wanting and hoping are intrinsically intertwined with defeat. They’re what drives us, yes, but they’re…

Family, Facebook and failed sobriety

I’ve been rubbish at finding the time and headspace to blog since we moved onto our boat. So much time is taken up with all the daily jobs that keep everything running. Either that, or we are dealing with a crisis or power failure. Or we don’t have any internet signal. This week, I really…

The breaks don’t get any easier

I’m a week in and struggling with the therapy break. Yeah, I know, shocker right? They’re usually a breeze… I always end up hoping each time that it might get easier. So far, after 3 years, I can’t say it has. It’s definitely different, but it still feels like an endurance test every time. In…

65 Days sober. It’s chaotic, but better.

The past week has been far from uneventful. I intended to write to mark 60 days of sobriety, but I’ve only just managed to order my thoughts enough to try and formulate this post. The past weekend was fraught with distressing peripheral events. As J was quick to point out in therapy on Tuesday; it’s…

Goodbye old friend

The death of a pet is horribly painful, and tonight I am feeling that heavy grief. My mum called this evening to tell me our family dog died today. If you don’t own a pet, then it’s likely you won’t understand what it is to love an animal as part of your family. This daft…

Emotional hangover

I’ve been finding it difficult to start writing recently. That’s not because I have nothing to say. I think I’ve just shut down and cut off. That felt like the best way to get through Christmas, and it also often happens when I’ve got a therapy break. I have an unsettling sense that I’m only…

Re-engaging with therapy

Today I had my first therapy session since trying to kill myself almost two weeks ago. I had an anxious mix of fear and anticipation fluttering in my stomach all morning. Part of me was worried J might be angry with me or disappointed, while the other part has been desperate to talk to her…

My f***ing family

I got back from Germany to the news that my sister in law has breast cancer. That’s the woman who is married to my brother – the man who sexually abused me as a child. I don’t even know what I think or feel about this, other than that it’s a lot of things. I…