Seething self-hatred. I did it again.

I am full of guilt and self-loathing because, yet again, I couldn’t resist the urge to ‘act out’. I feel like a total f**king moron; a self-obsessed, pathetic failure. There are so many people who go through struggles in life without resorting to the kind of melodramatics I displayed on Tuesday. My new meds are…

Retreating from a retreat…

When I was little and something went wrong, my dad always said something like, ‘it’s taking part that counts’, or maybe, ‘it’s character-building’. Well I recently failed at going on a retreat. That’s a new one. I go to weekly CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. Every Saturday, I run a small, one hour meeting for women…

Spiralling

All I have are questions and the interrogation runs on repeat a cycle like the tide dragging and pushing so I can never be still And the flailing effort to stay afloat leaves me too exhausted to find my feet for more than a second But that’s just long enough to remind me again and…

His life changed

Today my abuser became a father, and I became an aunt to a nephew I will probably never meet. I know my family are all celebrating without me right now. They’ll be sharing in a warm, joyous feeling that I can’t have any part of. My mum decided the best way to fill me in…

EMDR: I quit

I’ve not written about EMDR in a while. That’s because I quit. I threw in the towel because it was too hard. Actually, too hard is an understatement; it was horrific. I know there was merit in it. I believe that the treatment works. After five sessions, I had noticed a reduction in flashbacks and…

Failed again

I’ve got a confession to make. I self-harmed last night. I cut myself. Not just a little bit, I cut myself fifteen times. I had a phone conversation with my mum and that brought on the compulsion. It wasn’t a horrible call. We talked about everyday stuff and laughed together. It was easy and it felt…