Seething self-hatred. I did it again.

I am full of guilt and self-loathing because, yet again, I couldn’t resist the urge to ‘act out’. I feel like a total f**king moron; a self-obsessed, pathetic failure. There are so many people who go through struggles in life without resorting to the kind of melodramatics I displayed on Tuesday. My new meds are…

Retreating from a retreat…

When I was little and something went wrong, my dad always said something like, ‘it’s taking part that counts’, or maybe, ‘it’s character-building’. Well I recently failed at going on a retreat. That’s a new one. I go to weekly CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. Every Saturday, I run a small, one hour meeting for women…

Spiralling

All I have are questions and the interrogation runs on repeat a cycle like the tide dragging and pushing so I can never be still And the flailing effort to stay afloat leaves me too exhausted to find my feet for more than a second But that’s just long enough to remind me again and…

His life changed

Today my abuser became a father, and I became an aunt to a nephew I will probably never meet. I know my family are all celebrating without me right now. They’ll be sharing in a warm, joyous feeling that I can’t have any part of. My mum decided the best way to fill me in…

EMDR: I quit

I’ve not written about EMDR in a while. That’s because I quit. I threw in the towel because it was too hard. Actually, too hard is an understatement; it was horrific. I know there was merit in it. I believe that the treatment works. After five sessions, I had noticed a reduction in flashbacks and…

Failed again

I’ve got a confession to make. I self-harmed last night. I cut myself. Not just a little bit, I cut myself fifteen times. I had a phone conversation with my mum and that brought on the compulsion. It wasn’t a horrible call. We talked about everyday stuff and laughed together. It was easy and it felt…

80 days sober

The last few weeks have really tested my commitment to sobriety. I’ve come really close on several occasions to throwing it all away. Walking home from my therapist’s house is the most dangerous time for me. I know how soothing hard liquor feels when you’re emotionally drained. I’m drawn to the warmth of it, nothing…

Therapy today: Perfection vs oblivion

My therapist called me a hermit crab today. She’s also called me a clam in the past. [Insert joke about being shellfish here]. I deflected by talking about when I accidentally brought a hermit crab back from the Caribbean. Plucky little thing survived the flight home, but probably not the English winter when I set…

Failing one more time

Yesterday was all about loss. I’m not talking about the loss you feel when someone dies. This is a different kind, it’s the loss of hopes, dreams, excitement and expectation. The loss of my life before all this. I went to the yard where our old life is stored. It’s all boxed up in a…