EMDR: I quit

I’ve not written about EMDR in a while. That’s because I quit. I threw in the towel because it was too hard. Actually, too hard is an understatement; it was horrific. I know there was merit in it. I believe that the treatment works. After five sessions, I had noticed a reduction in flashbacks and…

EMDR raincheck

I didn’t write about EMDR yesterday because I didn’t go. I am ashamed of not going. I wasn’t raised to run away from a fight. It felt like cowardice, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. Last week the session felt brutal. When I recounted it to J, she used the term ‘harrowing’, and…

Drawing EMDR

I can’t quite verbalise what going into EMDR feels like, so I drew it instead. It’s a dark and scary path I follow, and as I progress it grows more black. I am small and defenceless. The trees bend toward me and almost touch me with their sinister whispers. I can hardly move or breathe. Everything…

A week of sliding

The hangover from EMDR this week has been a heavy one and I’m not surprised. The particular memory I worked on in my session on Monday was one of the most frightening and traumatic. I thought that as the days put distance between me and that horrible session, I would start to feel better about…

EMDR Session 4: I can’t do this

Although I wish it wouldn’t, Monday inevitably comes around and I have to drag myself to EMDR. This morning I just wanted to run away. Driving to the clinic, I felt sick with nerves. I arrived early and waited in my car for a while. That made everything feel worse. It took a lot of…

EMDR Session 3: Closing the door

Monday means EMDR. It’s become a regular fixture of dread in my schedule. Although my therapy sessions with J are often tough, I rarely hate the idea of going there. But EMDR is different. It is gruelling and painful. There’s not much room for humour or to share the lighter moments in life. Today Dr…