I took a big dive

On Tuesday I decided that I was finally going to kill myself. I didn’t think about self-harm, or poisoning myself with an almost-fatal overdose as I have in the past. This time, I was resolved to really go through with it. It’s not like I haven’t made plans for this; suicidal fantasies, schemes and logistics…

Have I gone full circle?

I have failed again. I had a chance to piece things back together and I’ve let everything unravel instead. I’ve failed at recovery. I’ve failed at therapy. I’ve failed at work. I am a disappointment. I’ve let people who care about me down. I am letting myself down too. Not that I care so much…

I’m losing it again

I need to pour my heart out here tonight, because I am really scared. As much as I am desperate to deny it, to my wife, my friends, J and myself, I know I am getting sick again. Things have gone bad. Really bad. I am hardly coping at all. I’m driven towards isolation, hiding,…

Everywhere in a week

I was only home for two days this week. On Monday night I returned from Frankfurt, and then on Thursday morning I left for a work trip to Paris. The German trip was a family thing, which was unsurprisingly exhausting. I was emotionally wrecked when I returned. Anticipating that I might feel this way, I’d…

Not quite a holiday

Right now I am in the middle of what has turned out to be a very challenging ‘holiday’. I used the inverted commas, because although I am in another country, and not at work, I don’t feel at all relaxed. Almost a year ago, my sister moved to Germany. We’ve kept in touch on Skype,…

Ending the week in a better place

It’s been another heavy week. Put simply; I have been a mess. I’ve been distracted, irritable, forgetful and agitated. I had a few moments of being overcome with sadness and sobbing my heart out for no clear reason. (One of these moments was while trying to eat some mashed potato, which just ended up revoltingly…