I don’t believe you’ll care if I’m OK

It’s been a while since I had this lightbulb moment when I recognised that my self destructive behaviour has a big payoff. It makes me feel like people care about me. That sounds pretty messed up doesn’t it? I have plenty of people in my life who love me. I know this, but I don’t…

I lied to my friend

He was once my closest friend. We met in our first year at university, and ended up living together for the whole time we were there. In our third year, we had this little apartment overlooking the seafront and I have loads of wonderful memories of the fun we had there. We did everything together,…

Your issues are too complex

That’s what the Eating Disorders Unit told me when they called to let me know they won’t be offering me any support. Apparently it won’t be possible to ‘isolate the eating disorder’ from my other problems, therefore their treatment won’t be effective. I sat and listened patiently as the woman on the other end of…

20 Days sober: I miss the destruction

Yes, I’m back to counting. I used to keep track, but the last time I did that was over a year ago now. At one time, I managed 80 days. But I always eventually failed. And then I got to failing each week, failing every few days, and then failing every day. Again. It’s not…

Spoiler alert! The NHS is crap at this stuff

Today I was officially discharged from the psychiatric hospital. Hooray! I really didn’t want to have to go back there for the discharge meeting, but I knew it was a necessary evil. My policy from day 1 was to be as compliant as possible in order to get it all over with as fast as…

Attempting to adjust

I’ve now been out of hospital for 3 days and it’s definitely taking some time for me to recover. I’m technically still an inpatient, just on ‘home leave’, although unsurprisingly nobody from the hospital has checked up on me. I have to go back there to have an official discharge meeting on Wednesday morning, where…

I took a big dive

On Tuesday I decided that I was finally going to kill myself. I didn’t think about self-harm, or poisoning myself with an almost-fatal overdose as I have in the past. This time, I was resolved to really go through with it. It’s not like I haven’t made plans for this; suicidal fantasies, schemes and logistics…

Have I gone full circle?

I have failed again. I had a chance to piece things back together and I’ve let everything unravel instead. I’ve failed at recovery. I’ve failed at therapy. I’ve failed at work. I am a disappointment. I’ve let people who care about me down. I am letting myself down too. Not that I care so much…

I’m losing it again

I need to pour my heart out here tonight, because I am really scared. As much as I am desperate to deny it, to my wife, my friends, J and myself, I know I am getting sick again. Things have gone bad. Really bad. I am hardly coping at all. I’m driven towards isolation, hiding,…

Everywhere in a week

I was only home for two days this week. On Monday night I returned from Frankfurt, and then on Thursday morning I left for a work trip to Paris. The German trip was a family thing, which was unsurprisingly exhausting. I was emotionally wrecked when I returned. Anticipating that I might feel this way, I’d…

Not quite a holiday

Right now I am in the middle of what has turned out to be a very challenging ‘holiday’. I used the inverted commas, because although I am in another country, and not at work, I don’t feel at all relaxed. Almost a year ago, my sister moved to Germany. We’ve kept in touch on Skype,…

Ending the week in a better place

It’s been another heavy week. Put simply; I have been a mess. I’ve been distracted, irritable, forgetful and agitated. I had a few moments of being overcome with sadness and sobbing my heart out for no clear reason. (One of these moments was while trying to eat some mashed potato, which just ended up revoltingly…