Multiples

It wanders on, this war Not raging as wars are said to do But throbbing, gnawing, draining my energy in perpetuity. If I could only close my ears Make myself blind to the versions of myself Would it stop? Might there finally be quiet? I must have forgotten the calm Or perhaps I never had…

Coping with a huge trigger

A little while ago something extremely triggering happened. It wasn’t one of the everyday triggers, the smells and dates and accidental interactions that I am better at managing these days. This was a monster of a trigger. I was helping an older man with something on the canal while I was out walking my dog…

Therapy is cancelled. I’m writing instead.

I cancelled therapy today. I know that’s not productive and that the only way I’m going to feel better about my relationship with my therapist is to go and discuss it with her. But I don’t want to see her at the moment, I am feeling very hurt and the result is that I want…

Therapy today: Overwhelmed

As I start writing this, I’m already tempted to run off topic. Therapy today was tricky. I felt guarded and distant. There was a fair bit of hopelessness around. Maybe that’s why I’ve not written much about therapy recently. It’s perhaps why I haven’t written much at all. I’ve struggled to feel like there is…

Therapy today: Little Laura

Dissociation is very common in people with PTSD. Those who have experienced trauma, particularly from childhood sexual abuse, often fragment themselves. At the time of the trauma, it is a very effective defence. By dissociating yourself from events that feel like they threaten your existence, those events seem less real. The dissociation enables a victim to…

Mutual assured destruction

It popped into my head earlier today; the concept of mutual assured destruction (also called MAD). After I finished my BA in English, I took a new direction and got an MSc in Politics. One of the modules on that course looked at nuclear weapons. The main discussion was around whether they keep the peace…

What is dissociation?

A lot of trauma survivors suffer from dissociation, but you don’t hear people talking about it much. There even seems to be an absence of understanding among therapists, which I have seen first-hand on more than one occasion. I remember one specific group session in hospital, in which a woman completely dissociated. The experienced and…