I’m not like them

The morning arrives once more to animate me it pushes in, uninvited and drags me into another day of compliance sitting and waiting and creating nothing while plagued with small talk politeness at best phony concern or voyeuristic interest at worst Chemicals make it vaguely tolerable, but there’s never enough Because I am not like…

I would be gone

This rush has derailed me and I’m left with an intangible company of shadows, inert Like blood dropped in water we grow weak and pale and the scarlet impact dissipates. If I had a god, I would pray to be taken somewhere far from the confines of myself. My god would show me a place I can swim, where the…

Therapy today: Options

I’ve got options. I don’t know what they are, but apparently I have them. More than one. Obscure right? That’s what happens to me in therapy. I sit there and I formulate some words to attach to feelings, more feelings bubble up, more words surface and it all becomes a mess. Everything I try to…

Therapy today: I want nothing

Unsurprisingly I spent today’s session with J discussing what happened with my family over the weekend. After dwelling on my anger for a few days it felt no less raw when I explained it today. I’m pretty cut up about it all. What came to the surface today was a deep sadness. It’s always lived quietly in…

Therapy today: Smokes and suicide

I got so frazzled today I almost rolled a cigarette out of a post-it note. I didn’t have any papers. The only options were that or a £5 note. My stinginess outweighed my need for nicotine, that’s why the post-it became appealing. Desperate eh? I was in my car, trying to call a friend who’s…