It’s not a very complicated story. I went to the pub after therapy on Wednesday afternoon. At the bottom of the second double, I decided I’d kill myself. The decision was impulsive, but the urge had been hanging around for months. I wanted to go somewhere I wouldn’t be found until it was too late….
Tag: Despair
I took a big dive
On Tuesday I decided that I was finally going to kill myself. I didn’t think about self-harm, or poisoning myself with an almost-fatal overdose as I have in the past. This time, I was resolved to really go through with it. It’s not like I haven’t made plans for this; suicidal fantasies, schemes and logistics…
Another painful birthday
How is it that a date can trigger so much distress? It’s just a day, like any other in the year. But today is a day that brings to mind so many things I would rather forget. I struggle to refer to my brother’s child as my nephew, just as I struggle to refer to…
I feel like an upside down woodlouse
That’s what I wanted to tell J in therapy today. I didn’t. It sounded too ridiculous even in my own head. But it is really the best analogy for the stuck and helpless place I’ve got myself into. I’ve not been writing much, and I can’t say why. I haven’t been engaging with friends much…
Standing still
Standing still familiar forces rushing, peripheral the rage of nature in surging water faces fly by and strange tendrils tempt something deeper as they pass there is nothing that can reach this empty craving the quest for contact suspended in a desert of impatience observing the green shoots of progress bursting into life but only…
Gin and benzos
Some days coping with feelings is easier than others. Today isn’t one of those days. I cut myself. I got drunk. I took benzos. I withdrew and refused to speak to my wife. I loathe myself; the things I’ve done, what I’ve said, how I look, the insane bullshit that spins around inside my head,…
blackspotsite 