The double horror of flashbacks

It’s been months since I had a proper flashback. By ‘proper’, I mean full-on, not being able to tell what’s real, immersion in my past trauma. That awful experience of really, fully reliving it. In comparison, I get a lot of body memories and intrusive images. Those feel dreadful, but when they come up I…

45 Days sober. The anxiety is hell.

A few weeks ago, my goal of 90 days sober felt incredibly ambitious. So it’s good to stop and recognise today that I am half way there. That’s a big deal. It isn’t like the past 45 days have been easy. I’ve wanted alcohol at some point during each and every one. Some days that…

A gigantic thank you

Just a short post from me tonight. You’ve probably heard enough this week already. But that’s what I want to talk about; how fantastic it was to be heard when I was in a lonely, cold place with nobody to talk to. Writing about what was going on for me last week is one of…

Family: Old and new

At the moment, I’ve got one tiny new family member, and a very frail old one who are both very much on my mind. Neither of them is closely connected to the emotional difficulties I have with my family (least of all the new little one), so I find it easier to feel caring towards…

Falling for tomorrow

I know how it feels to take a fall I know what it is to lose it all When the walls are closing in There’s no simple way to win So my night is day is night And every step’s a fight Please don’t say I can’t rewrite What’s gone down in black and white…

35 days sober

And so the counting continues. When I got to 100 days a while ago, I thought I could begin to move beyond the ‘one day at a time’ mentality. But as soon as I thought I’d cracked it, I went and had a drink. It’s probably self-sabotage, but there were a number of other factors…

Tips for getting the most from group therapy

Group therapy is something we’re not all that accustomed to in the UK. We’ve barely got our heads around doing therapy individually, so it isn’t surprising that baring your soul in a group evokes trepidation. Before being admitted to a psychiatric hospital last year, my only experience of group therapy was as a child in…

Therapy today: When they found out

It was the day that my world shattered. Everything I thought I knew changed. All that I believed about my young self slipped away from me. At that pivotal moment, my soul was annihilated. It was only a minute, but it has lived on in my mind ever since. I feel as though I have…

Wednesday soundtrack: Behind blue eyes

When my fist clenches, crack it open Before I use it and lose my cool When I smile, please tell me some bad news Before I laugh and act like a fool If I swallow anything evil Put your finger down my throat If I shiver, please give me a blanket Keep me warm, let…

I forgot to breathe

Tonight I’m empty a brittle void Imploding with the strain of saying or not saying I’ve nothing but minute words It could have all been over in a brief, inglorious moment I think I forgot to breathe I lost myself in rage, in sadness grief overpowered me Amassing every grain of my truth I think…

I can’t remember

Overdosing on Lorazepam leaves you with terrible amnesia. I have no recollection of being at the hospital this weekend. I don’t remember the ambulance ride, blood tests, IVs and ECGs. I don’t even remember arriving home. I only just found the photo I’ve attached to this post, I didn’t realise I had my phone on…

Therapy today: Behind a wall

Even in therapy, I hate being asked how I am. In almost no situation will I respond honestly to that question. The at work how are yous are the easiest. Nobody expects anything too real or too detailed, they are merely filling conversational space. So I say I’m fine or a bit tired or busy…