Distracting myself in the therapy break

Well the therapy break is almost over and I have only a few more days to get through. It’s never as horrendous as I anticipate, but it is always hard to manage without seeing J. I know I will survive it each time, but surviving is a pretty low benchmark for daily life isn’t it?…

Art became rage

I got home from work at lunchtime in a shitty mood. I knew I had an empty afternoon ahead and I was fantasising about the destructive ways I could fill it. I sat for an hour or so thinking about the options and formulating dangerous plans. After a while sitting with the exhilerating thought of…

The vast unsaid

A restless being dark and powerful she is the culmination of voiceless years The vast unsaid in every feather forged from silence swallowed and quiet, rumbling rage She swirls and swoops with momentum building anticipating the opportunity to prey on me once more Embodying all that I loathe, I hate her but I am her…

First painting of 2017

In the past few weeks I finally found some motivation to start painting something again. I was happy to get it finished this afternoon. Here are a few progress shots and the final thing.

Carrying impossibly heavy body memories

The past few days have been awful. Maybe it’s because the suicidal, black moods that were normal for me haven’t been so permanent lately. I’ve still felt like I was permanently struggling, but in a different way. Normal has been anxious, hopeless, fearful, insecure. It’s still been infused with deep self-hatred, but without the active thinking…

Songwriting breakthrough: Don’t be a stranger

It’s been eight years since I wrote a song I thought was any good. But a couple of weeks ago I sat down at the piano one evening and this one almost wrote itself. You can hear a recording of it here.  Don’t be a stranger I’m haunted by these echoes Shadows of a history The…

A few more Christmas crafts

I don’t have much to say today. I am largely avoiding stopping for long enough to think about how I feel. The weekend was long and miserable. I felt agitated, grumpy and emotional. Strangely for me, I kept getting tearful for no particular reason. I’m scared I will sink into that again if I’m not…

The upside of addiction

I’ve learned in the past few years that I have a fairly addictive personality. I think that happens to a lot of us when we struggle. We get into patterns of sedating or distracting ourselves to avoid how we feel. Aside from the really unhealthy substance addictions, I have also been addicted to self-harm. It’s…

Painting this week

I’ve been frantically painting over the last week, trying to get a lot done in preparation for attending a craft fair next month. A lot of other stuff happened and I just didn’t get time to write about it all. For now, here’s the little series I’ve just finished.

Immersed in colour

I have dedicated a large part of my weekend to painting this week. I needed the break from everything day-to-day. I was feeling ground down. So I painted an elephant as the second piece in a small series I’m planning to create in this style. Hope you like him! Here’s the other one, a patchwork…

Face it with courage

“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” A beautiful quote from the amazing Maya Angelou that shone a little light in my very dark week. It made me think of all those mighty survivors warriors I connect with through this blog. You share so…

A happy painting

One of my closest friends is having a baby in a few weeks. I am super excited to meet this little guy or girl. I’m hosting a small gathering on Monday to celebrate her going off on maternity leave. It would be a baby shower if the idea didn’t make me so nauseous. Anyway, I…