I’m back on medication. Hooray.

I’ve had to back down on my hard line ‘no meds’ policy and ask my GP to write me up for something to help my anxiety. After weeks of averaging about 3 hours sleep per night and struggling with extreme agitation in the evenings, it was hard to argue that it wasn’t needed. My moods…

A letter I’m sending to my psychiatrist

Dear Dr L I am writing to inform you that I wish to be discharged from your care. I will not be attending my planned appointment on 13th July. After our last meeting I was very upset. I felt that you didn’t listen to me and didn’t give me the opportunity to explain what was…

Quitting my psychiatrist

A few weeks after I see Dr L, I receive a copy of his notes on our meeting in the post. I’ve so far appreciated this (apart from when the letter went to a neighbour by accident), as it keeps me in the loop with what he is recording from our conversations. I was unsure…

“I think you enjoy feeling suicidal”

That’s what my psychiatrist said to me today. He hypothesised that I don’t help myself out of a dark place when I am there because I like being there. This from a man who has probably spent a total of about 10 hours with me in the past year. I was anxious about meeting with…

Catching up

I’ve been out of touch for the past few weeks. I kept thinking of writing and not quite being able to translate anything from my brain to the page. So today I am forcing myself to write this, in the hope that I can break that deadlock. Firstly, and most importantly, I had a really great…

Defeated in my quest to be drug free

Yesterday I had to admit defeat and go on new antidepressants. It’s not something I wanted and I feel deeply disappointed that I couldn’t manage without them. So today I have begun another cycle of side effects and dose increases and wondering whether any of it is working. I stopped taking Mirtazipine at the start…

Choices: Any advice on Vortioxetine / Brintellix?

Quick question; does anyone have any experience with Vortioxetine? It’s also known as Brintellix, and Trintellix. God knows why they give antidepressants such ridiculous names. I almost want to avoid it purely for the fact that they’ve tried to make it sound bright and shiny… I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he seems to be…

Being unmedicated: The lesser of two evils

It’s been almost eight weeks since I stopped taking my antidepressants. I didn’t go cold turkey, I tapered them off gradually over a period of several months. A year ago, I was taking a ton of medication: Sertraline and Mirtazipine, two kinds of antidepressants. Pregabalin, an anti-epileptic drug that has a heavy sedating effect Quetiapine,…

Therapy is getting too hard

I’ve never felt as anti-therapy as I do at the moment. My session with J went so badly on Tuesday that I cancelled the rest of my sessions for this week. I thought that feeling might settle down after a few days but it’s still hanging around. Usually, I look forward to therapy. I like…

A deeper sort of pain

I’ve been drinking today. I shouldn’t drink. It isn’t safe. And it doesn’t help. I’ve been to meetings and I know all of this, but still I wanted it. It was hard not to start this post with an apology. Partly for the drinking, but I’m guessing none of you will be too judgemental about…

Coming off antidepressants

Last week I saw my psychiatrist and finally won the argument on antidepressants. I’ve wanted to reduce them for quite some months now, but have always been talked out of it by the people who supposedly know better. While I am confident they understand how the drugs work and their interactions, I’m not so sure…

Drugs: Confronting my psychiatrist

I am always somewhat combative when I go to a meet with my psychiatrist. He’s a nice enough chap. He seems pretty genuine and he listens to what I’ve got to say. My first objection to the meetings is the formula they follow. There’s never a great deal of time, so I sit down on…