When parents let you down

I haven’t made time for writing recently, and that’s a mistake. Writing helps me order my thoughts and feel less overwhelmed, and connecting with this community gives me a sense of companionship and support. A few weeks ago, I got very withdrawn, and WordPress is one of the things I withdrew from. I was isolating…

Craving a disaster

I’m holding it together but it’s taking every ounce of strength. It shouldn’t be a surprise that fighting is harder than defeat. Every tiny step forward is a leap of faith, as I push on into the unknown. I’m doing it. The things they’ve all been telling me to do for years now. Some courage…

My f***ing family

I got back from Germany to the news that my sister in law has breast cancer. That’s the woman who is married to my brother – the man who sexually abused me as a child. I don’t even know what I think or feel about this, other than that it’s a lot of things. I…

This is a messy place

I’m still feeling really churned up over what’s happened in therapy this week. There are so few things I’m confident I can rely on lately, and it feels very unsettling that my relationship with J is suddenly unreliable. It actually feels scary to think that she isn’t consistent in the way I thought she was….

I seem to be disillusioned with therapy

Yesterday I had a session with J that left me feeling confusingly angry with her and unable to sleep last night. I didn’t feel angry at the time I was with her, and I can’t figure out what it was she said or did that has prompted this reaction. Maybe it’s just some anger displaced…

Why I hate World Mental Health day

This week, we were treated to ‘World Mental Health day’. Aren’t we lucky? Isn’t it nice that we were given an allocated day to feel special and important? Sorry to start off so sarcastic, but the whole thing p*sses me off. It’s a hollow, pointless lot of noise that ultimately will make very little practical…

The truth hit me like a truck

A painful clarity emerged for me recently, and it’s been too hard to write about it. The strange thing is that some part of me has known this truth for a long time, but I’ve been fighting against it. I get so angry about all the denial in my family, but I realise now that…

Another painful birthday

How is it that a date can trigger so much distress? It’s just a day, like any other in the year. But today is a day that brings to mind so many things I would rather forget. I struggle to refer to my brother’s child as my nephew, just as I struggle to refer to…

Art became rage

I got home from work at lunchtime in a shitty mood. I knew I had an empty afternoon ahead and I was fantasising about the destructive ways I could fill it. I sat for an hour or so thinking about the options and formulating dangerous plans. After a while sitting with the exhilerating thought of…

A letter I’m sending to my psychiatrist

Dear Dr L I am writing to inform you that I wish to be discharged from your care. I will not be attending my planned appointment on 13th July. After our last meeting I was very upset. I felt that you didn’t listen to me and didn’t give me the opportunity to explain what was…

Quitting my psychiatrist

A few weeks after I see Dr L, I receive a copy of his notes on our meeting in the post. I’ve so far appreciated this (apart from when the letter went to a neighbour by accident), as it keeps me in the loop with what he is recording from our conversations. I was unsure…