83 Days in and I’d rather not be sober

Today I’m a week off achieving 90 days of sobriety, but it feels like I’m not going to make it. The cravings have been less constant on the whole, but in the past few days they’ve returned with a vengeance. I fell asleep last night wanting a drink. I woke up this morning wanting a…

I lied to my friend

He was once my closest friend. We met in our first year at university, and ended up living together for the whole time we were there. In our third year, we had this little apartment overlooking the seafront and I have loads of wonderful memories of the fun we had there. We did everything together,…

If you could ask your therapist anything, what would it be?

J challenged me in therapy today. She started with the eating thing again (Tuesday’s session explained here). She asked me when I will stop starving myself. She said she was worried about ‘where this is heading’. She went into her ‘duty of care’ spiel and talked about our ‘contract’ (a vague verbal agreement about our…

Retreating from a retreat…

When I was little and something went wrong, my dad always said something like, ‘it’s taking part that counts’, or maybe, ‘it’s character-building’. Well I recently failed at going on a retreat. That’s a new one. I go to weekly CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. Every Saturday, I run a small, one hour meeting for women…

Goodbye hyperactivity. Hello depression.

My mood has completely sunk today. For the past week I’ve been running on a sort of anxious energy. That doesn’t feel great, because it’s a hyperactive and insecure place. But I was coping with it because I could keep myself busy and not get dragged into my usual cycle of depressive thoughts. While that…

Impending family visit. Help.

My week is panning out to be full on and I’m not coping well with that idea. A few days ago I wrote about needing to fill time in order to avoid sinking into dark and destructive thoughts. The problem is, I’m running out of energy and now I am faced with a load of…

The upside of addiction

I’ve learned in the past few years that I have a fairly addictive personality. I think that happens to a lot of us when we struggle. We get into patterns of sedating or distracting ourselves to avoid how we feel. Aside from the really unhealthy substance addictions, I have also been addicted to self-harm. It’s…

Therapy today: The draw of what’s forbidden

In the past few weeks I’ve been trying to make some time to prepare for therapy. Otherwise I’m on the go until I’m walking to J’s house and then I’m often too distracted to think about what I want to say. There are probably hundreds of things during the week that prompt me to think,…

I do so love to hate myself

Every now and again I surprise myself with the stark recognition that I enjoy my self-hatred. I like being self-destructive. It feels like such a sick paradigm to be stuck in. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t like misery. I don’t enjoy emotional pain or my symptoms of PTSD. But I am so very attached…

Step one (possibly 0.5): Life is unmanageable

I never thought I was a meetings person. It goes without saying that AA and the like work for a lot of people. But I tried the addicts groups and I found them abrasive. Plus I’ve had a lot of trouble with the whole ‘higher power’ concept that’s so central to the twelve step approach. The…

55 days sober

One day I won’t feel the need to do this ridiculous counting anymore. For now, I know I need to count, to reinforce how many days I have dragged myself through without using alcohol. It isn’t a pat-on-the-back thing. I don’t feel as though I’ve achieved anything other than keeping myself alive lately. And most…

35 days sober

And so the counting continues. When I got to 100 days a while ago, I thought I could begin to move beyond the ‘one day at a time’ mentality. But as soon as I thought I’d cracked it, I went and had a drink. It’s probably self-sabotage, but there were a number of other factors…