I seem to be disillusioned with therapy

Yesterday I had a session with J that left me feeling confusingly angry with her and unable to sleep last night. I didn’t feel angry at the time I was with her, and I can’t figure out what it was she said or did that has prompted this reaction. Maybe it’s just some anger displaced…

Therapy today: Being left in silence

I’m having one of those therapy saturation point days. This happens every now again; I just feel like I can’t handle it anymore. I feel like quitting because it is all so hard and seems to get me nowhere. I’ve written a fair bit about my problem with silence in therapy. A little bit is fine….

The start of another therapy break. Ouch.

Yesterday I had my last session with J before her holiday. She will be away for two weeks. That means I will miss six sessions. It doesn’t sound like much when I write that, but it feels like a dark chasm has just opened up ahead of me. The thing about therapy is that it…

Therapist holidays

That old chestnut. I know it’s a sore topic for a lot of us in therapy. None of us welcome the prospect of our therapist taking time off. Especially when we are working through the difficult emotions connected with childhood trauma; attachment is complex and frightening. We often feel over-attached to a compassionate therapist who…

Therapy today: Attachment

This morning I stubbed out a cigarette on my own skin because I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel anything but sad. I was trying to shake myself up in preparation for going to the office and functioning externally as though I am a normal human being. Walking to J’s for therapy today…

I hate my therapist

I am frequently perplexed by the fact that I both love and hate my therapist. In fact, it was one of the first things I ever wrote about on this blog. That was back in September, and I’m still none the wiser. Everywhere you read about psychotherapy, there’s this message that no emotion or thought…

Therapy today: My lonely defence

Last night I tried out a new therapy group. It wasn’t good for me. I didn’t feel safe with the therapist, I didn’t like his approach and generally didn’t trust him. After participating in group therapy for 3 months last year, I know there are certain prerequisites when running a group. This guy didn’t meet…

Therapy today: Please don’t leave

Today I pushed myself and took a risk. I’m low on energy, but I know I need to make progress. I can’t keep treading water. I’m tired and something has to change. I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to write this, as nothing happened . I went way out of my comfort zone and…