I took a big dive

On Tuesday I decided that I was finally going to kill myself. I didn’t think about self-harm, or poisoning myself with an almost-fatal overdose as I have in the past. This time, I was resolved to really go through with it. It’s not like I haven’t made plans for this; suicidal fantasies, schemes and logistics…

Therapists out of context

Last week J and I replaced one of my therapy sessions with a walk. We’ve never done that before, and I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I was happy to think of doing something ‘normal’ with her, but on the other, I was nervous about doing something outside of the norm…

Is unconditional love a myth?

It’s amazing how fast I can get used to doing nothing. I thought that not having to work would make time move more slowly this week, but it actually hasn’t been too bad. Perhaps I really did need to take the time off, because I haven’t been bored. Having nothing to do has felt OK….

Don’t stand there in the flames

Originally posted on blackspotsite:
A distant voice tells you, with kindness Don’t stand there in the flames You hear the warning and with coals around your feet You remain perfectly still Who can see the strength you summon, straining with every sinew merely to survive Who can understand the crushing disappointment that greets you every…

Have I gone full circle?

I have failed again. I had a chance to piece things back together and I’ve let everything unravel instead. I’ve failed at recovery. I’ve failed at therapy. I’ve failed at work. I am a disappointment. I’ve let people who care about me down. I am letting myself down too. Not that I care so much…

Why I hate World Mental Health day

This week, we were treated to ‘World Mental Health day’. Aren’t we lucky? Isn’t it nice that we were given an allocated day to feel special and important? Sorry to start off so sarcastic, but the whole thing p*sses me off. It’s a hollow, pointless lot of noise that ultimately will make very little practical…