The start of another therapy break. Ouch.

Yesterday I had my last session with J before her holiday. She will be away for two weeks. That means I will miss six sessions. It doesn’t sound like much when I write that, but it feels like a dark chasm has just opened up ahead of me. The thing about therapy is that it…

Black sheep

As far back as primary school I remember having a sense of otherness. It started with being from an ‘alternative’ sort of family. My parents and their friends are mostly musicians. And my mum was always a bit of a hippy. I never lived it down when she spent a summer collecting me from school barefoot….

Choices: Any advice on Vortioxetine / Brintellix?

Quick question; does anyone have any experience with Vortioxetine? It’s also known as Brintellix, and Trintellix. God knows why they give antidepressants such ridiculous names. I almost want to avoid it purely for the fact that they’ve tried to make it sound bright and shiny… I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he seems to be…

Is my therapist reading this?

Anonymity is a beautiful thing. I never intended to disclose my identity on this site. That has given me enormous freedom to just purge what’s in my head onto the page. This is the first time in my life I’ve been able to do that. What came up in therapy today, among a lot of…

Insecurity in therapy: The chaos of anxious attachment

Yesterday I wanted to kill myself. But I am still here. Somehow I survived that storm and crawled out the other side. It passed. Because it always passes. When I’m in it though, it’s impossible to hold onto that knowledge. The light of imagination doesn’t break into that dark place. There’s only the torture of…

Gin and benzos

Some days coping with feelings is easier than others. Today isn’t one of those days. I cut myself. I got drunk. I took benzos. I withdrew and refused to speak to my wife. I loathe myself; the things I’ve done, what I’ve said, how I look, the insane bullshit that spins around inside my head,…