45 Days sober. The anxiety is hell.

A few weeks ago, my goal of 90 days sober felt incredibly ambitious. So it’s good to stop and recognise today that I am half way there. That’s a big deal. It isn’t like the past 45 days have been easy. I’ve wanted alcohol at some point during each and every one. Some days that…

I lied to my friend

He was once my closest friend. We met in our first year at university, and ended up living together for the whole time we were there. In our third year, we had this little apartment overlooking the seafront and I have loads of wonderful memories of the fun we had there. We did everything together,…

Emotional hangover

I’ve been finding it difficult to start writing recently. That’s not because I have nothing to say. I think I’ve just shut down and cut off. That felt like the best way to get through Christmas, and it also often happens when I’ve got a therapy break. I have an unsettling sense that I’m only…

Your issues are too complex

That’s what the Eating Disorders Unit told me when they called to let me know they won’t be offering me any support. Apparently it won’t be possible to ‘isolate the eating disorder’ from my other problems, therefore their treatment won’t be effective. I sat and listened patiently as the woman on the other end of…

20 Days sober: I miss the destruction

Yes, I’m back to counting. I used to keep track, but the last time I did that was over a year ago now. At one time, I managed 80 days. But I always eventually failed. And then I got to failing each week, failing every few days, and then failing every day. Again. It’s not…

Spoiler alert! The NHS is crap at this stuff

Today I was officially discharged from the psychiatric hospital. Hooray! I really didn’t want to have to go back there for the discharge meeting, but I knew it was a necessary evil. My policy from day 1 was to be as compliant as possible in order to get it all over with as fast as…