She punishes me

I’m sitting between blank walls they move closer as I let her speak That passenger who fights me from the past. I defend on impulse overpowered by the urge to control and obliterate, The drive for pain as relief. She’s a shameful haunting so I keep her cowered in the dark and like all the…

Advice please: How do you parent yourself?

Can you offer advice on how I can parent my inner child? Lots of you write about this, and I know its something a lot of survivors of abuse and neglect struggle with. When you’re so deeply wounded as a little one, its no wonder taking care of that younger part is such a challenge….

Therapy today: Treading water

To sum up today’s session, J said it might have been more useful for me if she’d done her ironing while I took a nap. She wasn’t wrong really. I was not in a mood for talking, or being with another human for that matter. On these kind of days, it is a blessing that…

Disowned

For lonely decades I wandered unknowing and not asking Mercy in uncertainty, a refuge from the facts that threatened all I loved. Holding bitter secrets grew shame from shame until wilfully I forgot. Those lies were a poison that pulsed, insidious through my heart and veins And still, as they made me sick I inhaled…

dis·com·bob·u·late

Where can I start? A week of rushing, chaos, noise, anxiety. Funny moments and pain. Exhilaration and desperation. Oh and so much therapy. I’ve done therapy four times this week. Three sessions with J and one consultation with a psychologist to talk about starting EMDR. I’ll write more on that later, but it is an…

Therapy today: It wasn’t fun.

Therapy is never fun. Sometimes J and I do have these brief moments of shared laughter, but on the whole it isn’t enjoyable. I suppose it isn’t meant to be, but my session today seemed to have a load of extra un-fun. I guess I might have anticipated it wouldn’t be great, because while walking…