EMDR Session 4: I can’t do this

Although I wish it wouldn’t, Monday inevitably comes around and I have to drag myself to EMDR. This morning I just wanted to run away. Driving to the clinic, I felt sick with nerves. I arrived early and waited in my car for a while. That made everything feel worse. It took a lot of…

Real metamorphosis

Caterpillars are not ‘transformed’ into butterflies. There is no blast of magic that gives the little crawly pest its beautiful wings. The whole process is in fact gruesome. To become a butterfly, that caterpillar has to die, to dissolve in enzymes and become a shapeless slime before its cells begin rearranging themselves into new legs,…

EMDR Session 3: Closing the door

Monday means EMDR. It’s become a regular fixture of dread in my schedule. Although my therapy sessions with J are often tough, I rarely hate the idea of going there. But EMDR is different. It is gruelling and painful. There’s not much room for humour or to share the lighter moments in life. Today Dr…

EMDR session 2: Feeling the fear

EMDR day came and went. I’ve got to tell you I was dreading the session today. Last week we just laid groundwork; establishing a ‘safe space’ for me to go to if my distress level got too high in subsequent sessions. I felt like I’d done badly at it, as I couldn’t fully make myself…

EMDR Session 1: I mostly thought ‘finger’…

This morning I had my first EMDR session (explanation here if you’ve no idea what it is). I had an intake meeting with the therapist a few weeks ago, but today was our first attempt at doing any actual work. He had set me some preparation stuff to do at home beforehand which I had…

Powerlessness and unmanageability

The first step in any twelve step programme is admitting powerlessness and unmanageability. After attending meetings for a few months, I thought I should begin working on step one: “We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable” I’ve got a workbook to help me write my way through the…