EMDR Session 4: I can’t do this

Although I wish it wouldn’t, Monday inevitably comes around and I have to drag myself to EMDR. This morning I just wanted to run away. Driving to the clinic, I felt sick with nerves. I arrived early and waited in my car for a while. That made everything feel worse. It took a lot of…

Real metamorphosis

Caterpillars are not ‘transformed’ into butterflies. There is no blast of magic that gives the little crawly pest its beautiful wings. The whole process is in fact gruesome. To become a butterfly, that caterpillar has to die, to dissolve in enzymes and become a shapeless slime before its cells begin rearranging themselves into new legs,…

EMDR Session 3: Closing the door

Monday means EMDR. It’s become a regular fixture of dread in my schedule. Although my therapy sessions with J are often tough, I rarely hate the idea of going there. But EMDR is different. It is gruelling and painful. There’s not much room for humour or to share the lighter moments in life. Today Dr…

EMDR session 2: Feeling the fear

EMDR day came and went. I’ve got to tell you I was dreading the session today. Last week we just laid groundwork; establishing a ‘safe space’ for me to go to if my distress level got too high in subsequent sessions. I felt like I’d done badly at it, as I couldn’t fully make myself…

EMDR Session 1: I mostly thought ‘finger’…

This morning I had my first EMDR session (explanation here if you’ve no idea what it is). I had an intake meeting with the therapist a few weeks ago, but today was our first attempt at doing any actual work. He had set me some preparation stuff to do at home beforehand which I had…

Powerlessness and unmanageability

The first step in any twelve step programme is admitting powerlessness and unmanageability. After attending meetings for a few months, I thought I should begin working on step one: “We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable” I’ve got a workbook to help me write my way through the…

She punishes me

I’m sitting between blank walls they move closer as I let her speak That passenger who fights me from the past. I defend on impulse overpowered by the urge to control and obliterate, The drive for pain as relief. She’s a shameful haunting so I keep her cowered in the dark and like all the…

Advice please: How do you parent yourself?

Can you offer advice on how I can parent my inner child? Lots of you write about this, and I know its something a lot of survivors of abuse and neglect struggle with. When you’re so deeply wounded as a little one, its no wonder taking care of that younger part is such a challenge….

Therapy today: Treading water

To sum up today’s session, J said it might have been more useful for me if she’d done her ironing while I took a nap. She wasn’t wrong really. I was not in a mood for talking, or being with another human for that matter. On these kind of days, it is a blessing that…

Disowned

For lonely decades I wandered unknowing and not asking Mercy in uncertainty, a refuge from the facts that threatened all I loved. Holding bitter secrets grew shame from shame until wilfully I forgot. Those lies were a poison that pulsed, insidious through my heart and veins And still, as they made me sick I inhaled…

dis·com·bob·u·late

Where can I start? A week of rushing, chaos, noise, anxiety. Funny moments and pain. Exhilaration and desperation. Oh and so much therapy. I’ve done therapy four times this week. Three sessions with J and one consultation with a psychologist to talk about starting EMDR. I’ll write more on that later, but it is an…

Therapy today: It wasn’t fun.

Therapy is never fun. Sometimes J and I do have these brief moments of shared laughter, but on the whole it isn’t enjoyable. I suppose it isn’t meant to be, but my session today seemed to have a load of extra un-fun. I guess I might have anticipated it wouldn’t be great, because while walking…