Why am I trying to belong?

I knew I was going to find my dad’s birthday tricky. Any sort of anniversary tends to churn things up for me, not least the ones connected with my family. I didn’t want to have to talk to him, or give him any sort of special attention, because our relationship is not in a good…

Can I wait?

Today I am the eye of the storm. A powerful whirlwind of debris and chaos circumvents me. And I am stood, motionless in the middle. I’m planted in this place of inert observation. It’s not possible to stop the force, and I hold myself back from stepping into it. With my feet planted firmly on…

His life changed

Today my abuser became a father, and I became an aunt to a nephew I will probably never meet. I know my family are all celebrating without me right now. They’ll be sharing in a warm, joyous feeling that I can’t have any part of. My mum decided the best way to fill me in…

PTSD and my failing career

My annual performance review came around today. Work isn’t the most important thing in my life, but I want to do well at it. I want to be respected and held in high regard by my colleagues. We have this appraisal process that involves collating anonymous feedback from people you work with. We rate each…

Babies

There are three kinds of babies in my life right now; babies that make me happy, babies that make me miserable, and possible babies that aren’t around yet. I’m reached an age at which the people I spend time with are spawning. We’re all in our 30s and they’re settling down. Being this age also…

Be the person you need

I read this somewhere. It was probably one of those annoying memes on Facebook. They irritate me because I feel like most of the little quotes are cliched and patronising – especially the ones relating to mental health. But the concept of being what I need interested me. Caring about vs caring for As adults,…