83 Days in and I’d rather not be sober

Today I’m a week off achieving 90 days of sobriety, but it feels like I’m not going to make it. The cravings have been less constant on the whole, but in the past few days they’ve returned with a vengeance. I fell asleep last night wanting a drink. I woke up this morning wanting a…

Why am I trying to belong?

I knew I was going to find my dad’s birthday tricky. Any sort of anniversary tends to churn things up for me, not least the ones connected with my family. I didn’t want to have to talk to him, or give him any sort of special attention, because our relationship is not in a good…

Can I wait?

Today I am the eye of the storm. A powerful whirlwind of debris and chaos circumvents me. And I am stood, motionless in the middle. I’m planted in this place of inert observation. It’s not possible to stop the force, and I hold myself back from stepping into it. With my feet planted firmly on…

His life changed

Today my abuser became a father, and I became an aunt to a nephew I will probably never meet. I know my family are all celebrating without me right now. They’ll be sharing in a warm, joyous feeling that I can’t have any part of. My mum decided the best way to fill me in…

PTSD and my failing career

My annual performance review came around today. Work isn’t the most important thing in my life, but I want to do well at it. I want to be respected and held in high regard by my colleagues. We have this appraisal process that involves collating anonymous feedback from people you work with. We rate each…

Babies

There are three kinds of babies in my life right now; babies that make me happy, babies that make me miserable, and possible babies that aren’t around yet. I’m reached an age at which the people I spend time with are spawning. We’re all in our 30s and they’re settling down. Being this age also…

Be the person you need

I read this somewhere. It was probably one of those annoying memes on Facebook. They irritate me because I feel like most of the little quotes are cliched and patronising – especially the ones relating to mental health. But the concept of being what I need interested me. Caring about vs caring for As adults,…

Face it with courage

“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” A beautiful quote from the amazing Maya Angelou that shone a little light in my very dark week. It made me think of all those mighty survivors warriors I connect with through this blog. You share so…

I wanted it to end

Things got too much for me again this week. Everyone was complimenting me on how well I had handled the news that the police were dropping my case. I was split about it; on the one hand I could see that and agree with them, while on the other I wanted so badly to self-destruct….

The police have dropped my case

I’ve not written in a while. I intended to share something about the lovely holiday I had when I returned last week, but everything has really gone downhill since. In summary; the police have decided to drop the case against my brother. I received this news the day after the holiday, so it did a…

EMDR raincheck

I didn’t write about EMDR yesterday because I didn’t go. I am ashamed of not going. I wasn’t raised to run away from a fight. It felt like cowardice, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. Last week the session felt brutal. When I recounted it to J, she used the term ‘harrowing’, and…

A week of sliding

The hangover from EMDR this week has been a heavy one and I’m not surprised. The particular memory I worked on in my session on Monday was one of the most frightening and traumatic. I thought that as the days put distance between me and that horrible session, I would start to feel better about…