Hoping to give up hope

Hopelessness is fearlessness. Because without hope there is nothing to lose, and the struggle eases. The exhaustion of striving abates. In the absence of hope, there’s a freedom, a letting go. Not wanting is desolate and liberating all at once. Wanting and hoping are intrinsically intertwined with defeat. They’re what drives us, yes, but they’re…

Finally, the tiniest bit of justice

I’m guessing a lot of people won’t have heard of the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority (CICA). I certainly hadn’t until a few years ago, when I attempted to prosecute my brother for the abuse he subjected me to as a child. The police were unable to take the case to court, but they urged me…

The double horror of flashbacks

It’s been months since I had a proper flashback. By ‘proper’, I mean full-on, not being able to tell what’s real, immersion in my past trauma. That awful experience of really, fully reliving it. In comparison, I get a lot of body memories and intrusive images. Those feel dreadful, but when they come up I…

My f***ing family

I got back from Germany to the news that my sister in law has breast cancer. That’s the woman who is married to my brother – the man who sexually abused me as a child. I don’t even know what I think or feel about this, other than that it’s a lot of things. I…

I took a big dive

On Tuesday I decided that I was finally going to kill myself. I didn’t think about self-harm, or poisoning myself with an almost-fatal overdose as I have in the past. This time, I was resolved to really go through with it. It’s not like I haven’t made plans for this; suicidal fantasies, schemes and logistics…

Is unconditional love a myth?

It’s amazing how fast I can get used to doing nothing. I thought that not having to work would make time move more slowly this week, but it actually hasn’t been too bad. Perhaps I really did need to take the time off, because I haven’t been bored. Having nothing to do has felt OK….