I’m sorry I’m not truthful. I’m sorry I hide things and lie to protect my destructive behaviour. I’m sorry I am wasting my life. I’m sorry I feel no gratitude for the privileges I live with purely by chance. I’m sorry I can see time passing me by and I do nothing to use it….
Category: Self Harm
Carrying impossibly heavy body memories
The past few days have been awful. Maybe it’s because the suicidal, black moods that were normal for me haven’t been so permanent lately. I’ve still felt like I was permanently struggling, but in a different way. Normal has been anxious, hopeless, fearful, insecure. It’s still been infused with deep self-hatred, but without the active thinking…
Some brutal honesty
I am going to do something out of character and just be totally honest. I’m not normally. Even in this beautifully anonymous space. I’m not even honest with myself most of the time. It isn’t that I lie to you or anyone else for the most part. I just hold back. I guess that is…
Therapy today: The draw of what’s forbidden
In the past few weeks I’ve been trying to make some time to prepare for therapy. Otherwise I’m on the go until I’m walking to J’s house and then I’m often too distracted to think about what I want to say. There are probably hundreds of things during the week that prompt me to think,…
Self rejection and my toxic inner child
I haven’t written in a few weeks. I’m full of too many thoughts. They’re tangled and wound up so tight I can’t find an end to grab hold of to even begin. Expressing myself is frightening. I recently realised that I am in fact scared of my own feelings. I know that sitting inside me…
Therapy today: Repairing the alliance
I am happy to report that after having a really tough therapy session on Tuesday, I was brave enough to talk about it with J yesterday. Walking to my session, I was full of anxious doubts and consumed with guilt. The guilt came from a variety of places. Primarily I was feeling guilty about putting…
blackspotsite 