J challenged me in therapy today. She started with the eating thing again (Tuesday’s session explained here). She asked me when I will stop starving myself. She said she was worried about ‘where this is heading’. She went into her ‘duty of care’ spiel and talked about our ‘contract’ (a vague verbal agreement about our…
Category: Self Harm
Gin and benzos
Some days coping with feelings is easier than others. Today isn’t one of those days. I cut myself. I got drunk. I took benzos. I withdrew and refused to speak to my wife. I loathe myself; the things I’ve done, what I’ve said, how I look, the insane bullshit that spins around inside my head,…
Being unmedicated: The lesser of two evils
It’s been almost eight weeks since I stopped taking my antidepressants. I didn’t go cold turkey, I tapered them off gradually over a period of several months. A year ago, I was taking a ton of medication: Sertraline and Mirtazipine, two kinds of antidepressants. Pregabalin, an anti-epileptic drug that has a heavy sedating effect Quetiapine,…
A deeper sort of pain
I’ve been drinking today. I shouldn’t drink. It isn’t safe. And it doesn’t help. I’ve been to meetings and I know all of this, but still I wanted it. It was hard not to start this post with an apology. Partly for the drinking, but I’m guessing none of you will be too judgemental about…
The darkness always returns
On Friday night I wanted to kill myself. I can’t say exactly what led to that low point but my mood had definitely taken a nose dive towards the end of last week. I don’t remember much of what was going through my head, other than my wife asking me to come to bed, saying…
blackspotsite 