I am sorry

I’m sorry I’m not truthful. I’m sorry I hide things and lie to protect my destructive behaviour. I’m sorry I am wasting my life. I’m sorry I feel no gratitude for the privileges I live with purely by chance. I’m sorry I can see time passing me by and I do nothing to use it….

Carrying impossibly heavy body memories

The past few days have been awful. Maybe it’s because the suicidal, black moods that were normal for me haven’t been so permanent lately. I’ve still felt like I was permanently struggling, but in a different way. Normal has been anxious, hopeless, fearful, insecure. It’s still been infused with deep self-hatred, but without the active thinking…

Some brutal honesty

I am going to do something out of character and just be totally honest. I’m not normally. Even in this beautifully anonymous space. I’m not even honest with myself most of the time. It isn’t that I lie to you or anyone else for the most part. I just hold back. I guess that is…

Therapy today: The draw of what’s forbidden

In the past few weeks I’ve been trying to make some time to prepare for therapy. Otherwise I’m on the go until I’m walking to J’s house and then I’m often too distracted to think about what I want to say. There are probably hundreds of things during the week that prompt me to think,…

Self rejection and my toxic inner child

I haven’t written in a few weeks. I’m full of too many thoughts. They’re tangled and wound up so tight I can’t find an end to grab hold of to even begin. Expressing myself is frightening. I recently realised that I am in fact scared of my own feelings. I know that sitting inside me…

Therapy today: Repairing the alliance

I am happy to report that after having a really tough therapy session on Tuesday, I was brave enough to talk about it with J yesterday. Walking to my session, I was full of anxious doubts and consumed with guilt. The guilt came from a variety of places. Primarily I was feeling guilty about putting…

Therapy today: A slow motion car crash

I wasn’t looking forward to therapy today. I knew the chances were J would want me to talk more about the events of last week. On Wednesday I had downed a load of Vodka and Lorazepam. Due to the amnesia overdosing on Lorazepam brings, I don’t really remember what I’d said to J on the…

Five steps to crisis

After talking about my volatile moods in a therapy session a few weeks ago, I decided to sit down and think about how they change so quickly. I had always been under the impression that I am either functioning or in a crisis, so it was useful to consider the shifts that occur in between….

I do so love to hate myself

Every now and again I surprise myself with the stark recognition that I enjoy my self-hatred. I like being self-destructive. It feels like such a sick paradigm to be stuck in. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t like misery. I don’t enjoy emotional pain or my symptoms of PTSD. But I am so very attached…

Don’t ask me how, but I’m doing it.

Today, by some sort of miracle, I have not only managed to drag myself out of bed and get dressed, but I got on a plane and arrived in Amsterdam in time for a work function I was adamant I wouldn’t be well enough to attend. It’s lifted my mood being here with some of…

Therapy this week: I’m stuck again

Therapy is still happening. I’m not sure why I haven’t written about it much lately. A while ago I was in the habit of writing something after every session; it felt like an important part of processing the work. Time has been a contributing factor. Before my friend moved out a week or so ago, he was…

You love me for both of us

I can see you’re not a doctor there’s a light behind your eyes that dares to search beyond what’s broken, leaving space for what you find. You keep my hand in yours and you love me for the both of us you hold me in the dark while I’m fading away Your love is ever…