Why do I self harm?

This could be triggering. If you’re struggling with self harm, please take care if you read on. There are obvious reasons why I damage myself; self hatred, anger, trying to cope with overwhelming feelings. There’s also the addictive or learned part of it. I know how it will feel. I know I’ll enjoy it. There…

I don’t believe you’ll care if I’m OK

It’s been a while since I had this lightbulb moment when I recognised that my self destructive behaviour has a big payoff. It makes me feel like people care about me. That sounds pretty messed up doesn’t it? I have plenty of people in my life who love me. I know this, but I don’t…

I took a big dive

On Tuesday I decided that I was finally going to kill myself. I didn’t think about self-harm, or poisoning myself with an almost-fatal overdose as I have in the past. This time, I was resolved to really go through with it. It’s not like I haven’t made plans for this; suicidal fantasies, schemes and logistics…

I’m losing it again

I need to pour my heart out here tonight, because I am really scared. As much as I am desperate to deny it, to my wife, my friends, J and myself, I know I am getting sick again. Things have gone bad. Really bad. I am hardly coping at all. I’m driven towards isolation, hiding,…

I feel like an upside down woodlouse

That’s what I wanted to tell J in therapy today. I didn’t. It sounded too ridiculous even in my own head. But it is really the best analogy for the stuck and helpless place I’ve got myself into. I’ve not been writing much, and I can’t say why. I haven’t been engaging with friends much…

I am sinking

I’m approaching breaking point. I need to write. To share. To feel heard and held. I am so full of everything, there is hardly any space left for air to get into my lungs. I don’t want this sensation. I have this odd sense that if I vomited I would feel better. There’s a toxic…