Gin and benzos

Some days coping with feelings is easier than others. Today isn’t one of those days. I cut myself. I got drunk. I took benzos. I withdrew and refused to speak to my wife. I loathe myself; the things I’ve done, what I’ve said, how I look, the insane bullshit that spins around inside my head,…

Being unmedicated: The lesser of two evils

It’s been almost eight weeks since I stopped taking my antidepressants. I didn’t go cold turkey, I tapered them off gradually over a period of several months. A year ago, I was taking a ton of medication: Sertraline and Mirtazipine, two kinds of antidepressants. Pregabalin, an anti-epileptic drug that has a heavy sedating effect Quetiapine,…

A deeper sort of pain

I’ve been drinking today. I shouldn’t drink. It isn’t safe. And it doesn’t help. I’ve been to meetings and I know all of this, but still I wanted it. It was hard not to start this post with an apology. Partly for the drinking, but I’m guessing none of you will be too judgemental about…

Sickness

I have to travel to the Netherlands today and I am not feeling at all well. The universe seemed to hand me a gift in the form of a foggy morning, which meant my flight was cancelled and I had to re-book for this evening. That’s given me a bit more time to rest, although…

The darkness always returns

On Friday night I wanted to kill myself. I can’t say exactly what led to that low point but my mood had definitely taken a nose dive towards the end of last week. I don’t remember much of what was going through my head, other than my wife asking me to come to bed, saying…

I am sorry

I’m sorry I’m not truthful. I’m sorry I hide things and lie to protect my destructive behaviour. I’m sorry I am wasting my life. I’m sorry I feel no gratitude for the privileges I live with purely by chance. I’m sorry I can see time passing me by and I do nothing to use it….