Catching up

I’ve been out of touch for the past few weeks. I kept thinking of writing and not quite being able to translate anything from my brain to the page. So today I am forcing myself to write this, in the hope that I can break that deadlock. Firstly, and most importantly, I had a really great…

Defeated in my quest to be drug free

Yesterday I had to admit defeat and go on new antidepressants. It’s not something I wanted and I feel deeply disappointed that I couldn’t manage without them. So today I have begun another cycle of side effects and dose increases and wondering whether any of it is working. I stopped taking Mirtazipine at the start…

Retreating from a retreat…

When I was little and something went wrong, my dad always said something like, ‘it’s taking part that counts’, or maybe, ‘it’s character-building’. Well I recently failed at going on a retreat. That’s a new one. I go to weekly CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings. Every Saturday, I run a small, one hour meeting for women…

The meaning of life

Oh yes I am going there and no I am not inebriated. The ‘meaning of life’ discussion is one that only cropped up for me in the past in that peculiar environment that emerges in the small hours of the morning after consuming a copious amount of alcohol or drugs. Those moments were definitely part of…

Nostalgic for a place where my pain belonged

In the past few weeks, I’ve felt like each time the spring sunshine warmed me, it also drenched me in nostalgia. Fewer words more aptly describe a feeling than this one. Nostalgia is about more than recollection; it is about the bittersweet nature of specific memories. I’m nerdy about language, so out of curiosity I…

Some good news

I think I am possibly the only person who can be given a pay rise and not feel good about it. Today I got a salary increase, and my annual bonus was decent enough. It’s not that I’m greedy and was hoping for a whole lot more. I just didn’t feel happy about it. At…