Your issues are too complex

That’s what the Eating Disorders Unit told me when they called to let me know they won’t be offering me any support. Apparently it won’t be possible to ‘isolate the eating disorder’ from my other problems, therefore their treatment won’t be effective. I sat and listened patiently as the woman on the other end of…

20 Days sober: I miss the destruction

Yes, I’m back to counting. I used to keep track, but the last time I did that was over a year ago now. At one time, I managed 80 days. But I always eventually failed. And then I got to failing each week, failing every few days, and then failing every day. Again. It’s not…

Spoiler alert! The NHS is crap at this stuff

Today I was officially discharged from the psychiatric hospital. Hooray! I really didn’t want to have to go back there for the discharge meeting, but I knew it was a necessary evil. My policy from day 1 was to be as compliant as possible in order to get it all over with as fast as…

Re-engaging with therapy

Today I had my first therapy session since trying to kill myself almost two weeks ago. I had an anxious mix of fear and anticipation fluttering in my stomach all morning. Part of me was worried J might be angry with me or disappointed, while the other part has been desperate to talk to her…

Attempting to adjust

I’ve now been out of hospital for 3 days and it’s definitely taking some time for me to recover. I’m technically still an inpatient, just on ‘home leave’, although unsurprisingly nobody from the hospital has checked up on me. I have to go back there to have an official discharge meeting on Wednesday morning, where…

Day 7 on the psych ward: The ordeal is over!

I am finally home. I cannot put into words how glad I am that it is all over. The relief of it, the huge, huge relief, keeps making me burst into tears. I will write more tomorrow, but just wanted to tell you I am safely home. I’m hoping that I will have a long…

Day 6 on the psych ward

The first thing I did this morning was pack my bag, even though it was still a day before going home. I am struggling to tolerate this, even though I know it’s not for much longer. I am so very grateful I don’t have to. I’m permanently in a state of slight anxiety, constantly waiting…

Day 5 on the psych ward: Some good news

I woke up in such a foul mood because once again I hardly slept. I really thought that I was so exhausted I would finally get some rest last night. I did all the right things; had a bath, read my book, listened to a guided meditation. I put on my eye mask to blot…

Day 4 on the psych ward

It feels like day 40. Now I have no running water in my room. But I did discover that there is a psychology group I can go to, so I have received something almost resembling 45 minutes of ‘treatment’ today.  I chatted with a friend this morning who was admitted to a similar facility earlier…

Day 3 on the psych ward

That photo is currently the outside world to me. A rectangle of sky above the tall walls of the secure smoking area on the ward.  It feels weird to be locked in. I haven’t experienced this before. I have no recollection of being admitted to the ward, so it wasn’t until my wife took me…

Day 2 on the psych ward

I’d really, really like to shave my armpits. It’s amazing how fast that hair grows. I can deal with the spidery legs, but the armpits make me feel grim. I noticed this because I had a bath tonight. I had a bath because the shower in my room doesn’t work and can’t be fixed for…

Day 1 on the psych ward

For the sake of my tenuous sanity, I thought it would be a good idea to keep a diary of my (hopefully short) time in the psychiatric hospital. I’ve overdosed on Lorazepam before, so I’m familiar with the resulting amnesia and confusion. It hangs around for days and the order of events gets blurry. I…