Once again a victim

I’m not religious. I don’t believe in some omnipresent being that plans out our lives for us and looks down at what we’re doing each day. But I often get this cynical feeling that maybe there is someone in control of all this, and maybe whoever that is loves to test me. That sounds egotistical…

Therapy is suddenly unfamiliar

For the first time since university, I am sat in a launderette impatiently watching the minutes tick down on the machine that I hope isn’t wrecking all our clothes. This is the first chance I’ve had to do some writing in a few days, so although it’s noisy here and uncomfortable I’m going to attempt…

Newsflash: This week I felt good about therapy

Today I am 100 days sober. I am 10 days from leaving the job I’ve done for nearly 7 years. And in 12 days I will be leaving the life I know behind and starting out on my boat. Oh and I shouldn’t forget to mention, we’re 3 days into a mini Siberian winter (but…

I’m suddenly feeling a lot less brave

It’s just over 2 weeks to go now until my wife and I vacate our house and move our lives onto the water, and it’s all beginning to feel very real. Fear is setting in. I want to go. I am excited about all the new challenges and adventures living on a boat will bring….

I’m back on medication. Hooray.

I’ve had to back down on my hard line ‘no meds’ policy and ask my GP to write me up for something to help my anxiety. After weeks of averaging about 3 hours sleep per night and struggling with extreme agitation in the evenings, it was hard to argue that it wasn’t needed. My moods…

83 Days in and I’d rather not be sober

Today I’m a week off achieving 90 days of sobriety, but it feels like I’m not going to make it. The cravings have been less constant on the whole, but in the past few days they’ve returned with a vengeance. I fell asleep last night wanting a drink. I woke up this morning wanting a…

Advice please: Coping with long distance therapy

In a few weeks I am going to be moving out of my current home. This means I am also moving away from my therapist. The idea of finding a new therapist closer to where I’ll be hasn’t really crossed my mind, because I’m incredibly attached to J and I can’t imagine trying to work…

Craving a disaster

I’m holding it together but it’s taking every ounce of strength. It shouldn’t be a surprise that fighting is harder than defeat. Every tiny step forward is a leap of faith, as I push on into the unknown. I’m doing it. The things they’ve all been telling me to do for years now. Some courage…

65 Days sober. It’s chaotic, but better.

The past week has been far from uneventful. I intended to write to mark 60 days of sobriety, but I’ve only just managed to order my thoughts enough to try and formulate this post. The past weekend was fraught with distressing peripheral events. As J was quick to point out in therapy on Tuesday; it’s…

I don’t believe you’ll care if I’m OK

It’s been a while since I had this lightbulb moment when I recognised that my self destructive behaviour has a big payoff. It makes me feel like people care about me. That sounds pretty messed up doesn’t it? I have plenty of people in my life who love me. I know this, but I don’t…

I lied to my friend

He was once my closest friend. We met in our first year at university, and ended up living together for the whole time we were there. In our third year, we had this little apartment overlooking the seafront and I have loads of wonderful memories of the fun we had there. We did everything together,…

Emotional hangover

I’ve been finding it difficult to start writing recently. That’s not because I have nothing to say. I think I’ve just shut down and cut off. That felt like the best way to get through Christmas, and it also often happens when I’ve got a therapy break. I have an unsettling sense that I’m only…