If I die tonight

I want to just say that my life here has been a full one. I have loved more than I ever thought possible, laughed hard and had the very best friends anyone could ask for. Nobody has let me down. I just can’t face being in this world anymore. It hurts too much. If I…

You matter in ways you cannot imagine

I got a lovely email a few days ago from someone who read my blog. He thanked me for being so open about my issues. But what really touched me was that he signed off by saying, ‘you matter in ways you cannot imagine’. Wow. What a powerful thing to say. I spend so much…

I look like a transsexual junkie with a lazy eye

That’s what my new passport photo says about me. Those booths never take a good photo do they? My mentally ill person eyebags are exaggerated, I look pale, the lighting gave me a tash and I just don’t know what I was doing with my eyes. But now I’m going to need to look like…

Reckless fantasies reemerge

It’s Halloween of course. We listened to Thriller, we carved pumpkins, I smeared fake blood all over my face and frightened children. Literally, they wouldn’t come to get sweets from me. My friends had to take over answering the door. All the festivity reminded me of Christmas. We decorated the house and did lots of…

No rest in sleep

I awake panicked and drenched in sweat. The duvet clings to me and I feel suffocated. As usual, dreaming is the catalyst for this dramatic start to the day. My dreams are filled with fear, humiliation, frustration and loneliness. I am so used to these nightmares, I barely notice them anymore. The worst part is…

Claiming my life for myself

I’ve been reflecting on the meaning of soul this since reading ‘Care of the Soul’ by Thomas Moore. It’s a great book for anyone who leans toward existentialism, it works for me because it is spiritual without being religious. There’s a lot of wisdom in Moore’s words that has helped me in my effort to…

The apple never falls far from the tree

I was out walking yesterday and I trod on a rancid fallen pear. My instinct wasn’t to look down at the offending fruit, but to look up accusingly at the branches of the tree it came from. It made me think of the old saying about how the apple (or in this case, pear) never…

What’s your soundtrack?

On a purely self-indulgent tangent, I want to talk about music. I honestly feel like I have a soundtrack to my life. I listen to music almost constantly. If I’m walking around, I become totally immersed in what’s on my headphones. Embarrassingly, I often picture myself in the videos to my favourite tunes. Not dancing though, I…

Historic prosecution: Why I won’t get justice

I’m between a hard place and another hard place. Which I guess means I am in a hard place. Stuck. Last week felt really pivotal. I felt like I had finally got some momentum, after speaking to my therapist for the first time about the abuse I suffered as a child. I had never said…

Beginning a painful narrative

Lately I have started to feel like I will never be ‘stable’ enough to deal with my trauma and all that’s tied into it. But I came across a beautiful old photograph of myself and my little sister and it sparked me to write. I thought, this is a starting place, a point to begin…

The myth of strength

Emotional strength is a myth. It’s easy to come up with loads of examples of physical strength, but what do we mean when we say someone is emotionally strong or weak? Do we think they’re able to bounce back from a shock? Or do they successfully cloud their true feelings? If I had to name someone…

When it began

I’ve called this blog ‘the story of my breakdown’, but I realise after making a few posts that I haven’t yet begun that narrative. So I need to go back to the start, about a year ago, of the steady snowballing of my depression. I can distinctly remember being utterly miserable, as it was my…